I
enjoy my life. There are so many things I count as blessings everyday. I have a
good job, great friends and family, a fun place to sleep and entertain, and
extracurricular activities that I enjoy. It’s not perfect, I’m not perfect, but
I truly look forward to waking up each morning to see what the new day will
bring. With all of that being said, there are some days that are easier to wake
up joyful than others. As a lifelong Christian and eternal optimist, I have
struggled to voice what usually troubles me on those particularly difficult
mornings. If I’m being honest, most days it’s about still being single. I like
to think of myself as a strong, independent woman and worry that by defining my
feelings surrounding singleness I will appear weak, discontent, or lonely.
Those words have a desperate connotation to them that doesn’t seem to
accurately describe how I feel about my current season of life. Have I felt
those things? Absolutely. But I don’t think they tell the whole story. So,
instead of sorting out my true feelings, giving voice to my troubles, I pretend
not to feel anything or push them below the surface. Hidden away, they are less
confusing, but often infect other parts of my life. Sometimes they will take
the form of something I am more comfortable with facing or deem a more socially
acceptable struggle, but usually they stay a shadow of undefined fears I try to
keep hidden away. Thankfully, God has begun the process of renewing my mind in
this area.
I
like praying and spending time with God, asking difficult questions and
listening to what he may be trying to whisper to my parched and weary soul.
While praying one of the more difficult mornings, after a particularly
discouraging self-pity party about my romantic life (or lack thereof), God
whispered understanding into what I was experiencing, satisfying the thirst I
kept trying to quench with chocolate. Romans 8:28 says that God works all
things together for the good of those who love him and have been called
according to his purpose. He reminded me that He is good and will work out my
singleness for good. My idea of what is good for me right now is not always his
idea of good. He sees the whole picture of my life and the lives of people
around me, revealing what is best for us in his perfect timing. My joy and my
purpose must be found in him alone, trusting in Him and His timeline. He is my
portion and my strength because I am weak and there is no shame in weakness. It
is thru that weakness he displays his strength and his glory in my life. By seeking satisfaction and fulfillment
in something other than him, I will be disappointed and discouraged every time.
He is the One who is unchanging and faithful in a world that changes all the
time. I know what he has promised for my life and can trust that He will do
what he promises.
The
revelation was two-fold, because while he spoke the truth of His good plan for
my life, he also reminded me there is one who is fighting against his good
purpose and isn’t above using dirty tactics to do it. In 1 Peter 5:8 it says that the devil prowls around like a
roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Satan seeks to destroy and distract
me from the purpose God intends for my life. Reflecting on the days that are
hard, the times that I question ‘why not me?’ or ‘why not now?’ most often come after God has done
something incredible in my life or tangibly shown me that I have purpose and I
am exactly where he wants me to be. As a single woman, my feelings of
isolation, rejection, and a sense of being defective are often the strategy
Satan utilizes to immobilize me. Instead of keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus, he
points out those around me who are happy and in love and having babies and
starting “real life.” This leads me down the rabbit hole of when is my “real
life” going to start and why am I the last to be picked for a team? The reality
is that real life is now and I have been picked for a team, a team that has
kingdom purpose and eternal rewards waiting for me when I arrive at my forever
home. Satan wants me to feel as though there is no one in the world who
understands what I am going thru and that I am completely alone. He wants me to
be silent about my struggles because when I don’t give voice to what I am
feeling, I live in the shadows cast by undefined fears instead of the light of
truth that God is greater than those fears.
The
tactics Satan uses to immobilize the people of God are not unique to my single
season of life. He seeks to isolate and plant seeds of doubt that God doesn’t
actually work out our difficult circumstances for good. It may come in the form
of mistrust between a husband and wife because of a small miscommunication that
evolves into something much bigger. He divides and conquers the partnership God
established to make it less effective in his kingdom building purpose. It may
come in the form of infertility, as a couple struggles to understand why they
are not able to bring new life into the world. As each month passes with another reminder of failed
conception, doubts of God’s good plan for their lives evolve into self-blaming,
God-blaming fears that keep them internally focused, wavering between grief
over their situation and guilt over that grief because they feel they should
have more faith. Or it may be the rebellion of a child whose parents have
loved, nurtured, and taught about the love and hope found in Christ. The one they would give their life for
continually throws daggers of hurtful words and actions meant to wound and
destroy any hope of meaningful relationship during a pivotal season in growth.
No matter what the difficult circumstance may be, Satan wants us to silently
brood over our troubles, holding onto them tightly or stuffing them below the
surface where they can fester instead of laying them down at the foot of the
cross and allowing the balm of grace to heal our broken places.
Is
it wrong for me as a single woman to desire a husband? Does it mean that I am
not content with where God has placed me right now? Does it threaten my identity
and solidarity with my fellow single sisters? When I bring these questions to
my savior the resounding answer is no. It is not wrong for me to want a life
partner with whom I can build a life with someday. It doesn’t mean that I can’t
find contentment in the moment and rest in the place and season God has me in
right now. And my identity as and solidarity with single women of God actually
has nothing to do with the single part. I am a daughter of the most high King,
created for the purpose of glorifying my savior and creator through the power
of the Holy Spirit. The “single” part of my identity is only a box I fill in on
the church attendance card or check when I register for a new driver’s license.
It is a temporary season that fails to describe all who God has created me to
be. My single sisters (and brothers) we are more than the label the world
ascribes to us and more than the label we ascribe to ourselves. I pray we
resist the lies Satan feeds us and hold onto the promises that what God has for
us is good. No matter what season of life, or struggle you are working through,
don’t suffer in silence; don’t cultivate the seeds of doubt, give voice to your
fears, talk about your struggles, walk with others in weakness and
vulnerability because chances are they are wrestling with doubts as well.
Together, allow the truth of God to wash over you, encouraging light to drive
away the darkness of the shadow of doubt. You will begin to see new blessings
each day, even the tough ones.
