Everything changes

Growing up my family had a large brown conversion van that shuffled us wherever we needed to go. It was huge and we drove it everywhere from soccer practice to school, the cabin up north to Richmond, Virginia. There was plenty of room to spread out and play with dolls or kick back and listen to Adventure in Odyssey tapes. It was an oasis of memories and I loved it, until about junior high. I think it was around 7^th grade that the sliding door stopped sliding making the back seat passengers have to crawl in through the front door to get to their seats. I also began to see the exterior as outdated, pocked with rust spots, and the overall size dwarfed the more fashionable sports cars my friends’ parent’s drove to pick from up school. I was embarrassed to be seen in it.  When my parents announced it was time to trade in our trusty van for a different vehicle, I was elated, that is until it actually came time to leave the van in the lot to drive the new one home. While my parents were inside signing papers, I sat in the van sobbing. The van and I had been through so much together and even though it was falling apart, I had a hard time letting it go.

This is what our van looked like new, isn't it pretty!

            

Everyone deals with changes in life a little bit differently. Some people seek out constant change and motion, getting bored quickly or forever looking for the adventure that waits around the corner. Others like things exactly as they are and want them to stay that way forever. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I have a hard time with change emotionally but get excited when I think about what adventures are yet to come. The last few weeks have been a time of transition for me. There have been exciting changes in my life and the lives of some of my favorite people.  My brother has been called to step out of his role as small group leader for the group I’ve been blessed to share life with over the last two years and into a new opportunity God has laid on his heart. A dear friend has been called overseas for an extended period of time to fulfill the vision God has laid on her heart to make disciples of all nations. We have a new pastor at church that is full of life and the Spirit and is going to shake things up. I am excited about what God has in store for our church but I have a feeling it will be very different than what people are used to, leading to inevitable growing pains. And the biggest change happened earlier this month when my dear brother asked for my roommate’s hand in marriage. The future change from roommate to sister is beyond anything I could have ever imagined, but it does mean that I won’t have daily access to her wisdom, sharing of hearts, and wardrobe that I do now.  Our current situation will inevitably change.

           

The "Engberg" children on the day of the engagement! It was such a perfect day!

Intellectually, I know that change is good and that God uses times of transition to mold and shape us into the people he wants us to be but I find that I usually have to mourn the loss of what was, before I can see the beauty of what is to come. I struggle to articulate my true feelings because while the mourning part usually involves tears similar to the ones spilt over our old van, those tears don’t tell the whole story. Change also evokes excitement and joy in the promise of a new day, a future untainted by sins or regrets of the past, a thrill and terror of the great unknown. I live in a place of dichotomy where I am happy, sad, excited, and petrified, experiencing each emotion in succession yet all at once when I think about what each change actually means. In fact, I’ve struggled for weeks to write this post, because I can’t wrap my thoughts together in a nice package to present to you how I truly feel about change and the changes occurring in my own life. Maybe that is the point. Maybe change is supposed to evoke a variety of feelings within us so that we must cling to the one who is unchanging. We live in a dichotomy after all, striving for contentment and peace in the present moment, yet yearning for the promise of life eternal. Life and circumstances are in constant ebb and flow, threatening to turn our eyes from our Savior to the uncertainty of our surroundings. In times of change and transition we must remember that He is our Rock and our Redeemer, the One we can cling to, knowing he is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. He longs for us to seek him, sit at his feet, and rest in whatever change may come.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows.” ~James 1:17