Fall in Minnesota

Blessings come in large and small packages. For me, the year has brought an abundance of large blessings and unique experiences. I am a little uncertain how to digest and articulate what I've learned and how I feel about what I experienced. So instead, I will share with you a small blessing I experienced the other day. 

Fall is one of my favorite times of year. Actually, I think any time the seasons first begin to to change is my favorite. It's like being reunited with a friend and getting reacquainted with all the things you've missed from the previous year. There is a park near my home with 14 miles of trails that is one of my favorite places to explore. Since I have a day off during the week, I often explore solo, drinking in the beauty of the trees, warmth of the sunshine, and the rhythm of worship music blasting through my headphones. While those I meet in passing on the trail see that I am alone, I never feel as though I am. These hikes are a time for me to pray, to think, to pass time rejoicing in my creator and allow him to speak the truth of who I am into my often thirsty soul. On this particular walk, I was struck by the beauty of fall. The crisp blue sky contrasted by the fiery blaze of red trees was magnified by the still, glassy lake that revealed its perfect reflection. The path was lined with golden trees that towered above my head casting an ethereal glow on each step I took. Each song brought me deeper into worship and lightened the burdens and cares I so often try to carry on my own. I found myself skipping or dancing a few times, and then laughing at myself because if I happened to run into other hikers, they would certainly think I was crazy. It was like that joy, that freedom was so overwhelming I couldn't contain it and all I could do was dance. I walked and walked, danced and walked, and loved every step of the journey.

 I tried to capture my experience by taking pictures, but they always fell a little flat. You can't smell falling leaves, or feel the heat of exertion cooled by a crisp breeze or hear the light melody of music in a picture. These pictures will only give you a glimpse so you'll  just have to go out and experience it all for yourself. 

I think that I am almost ready to articulate what God has been teaching during my summer of international travel. I've tried it on a few times during conversations with people who ask about my trip. I also shared bits and pieces in writing on the blog we kept during our time in Guatemala. Until my thoughts and feelings are fully cooked, I am content to be present in this moment, this season, enjoying the wonder and beauty of His creation, the blessing of change and His presence in my everyday life. 

No Problem, Mon

Hanging out at UWI

After sitting in customs for 2 hours and walking into the bright, sticky sunshine sans the 3-4 bags of medical equipment we brought, I knew this trip would be different from the ones before. I returned to Kingston, Jamaica last week for a third time after taking a couple year hiatus. We were a team of 10 diverse individuals, of whom I was the only female. Since my workplace consists of a department of about 40 women and 1 man, I had a feeling I was in for a little culture shock before we even arrived.

Jamaica is the first of 2 international trips I will be taking this summer. The second trip is with my church to Guatemala City working at an orphanage in Sumpango, about an hour outside of the city. As a part of our training we have been going thru the curriculum When Helping Hurts put out by the Chalmers Center. I was so grateful to have gone through this training before the trip to Jamaica as it gave me a new perspective on poverty and short-term outreach/missions trips.

Done with gross motor testing
and all smiles

Poverty affects more than those who are economically or materially poor. Poverty is about brokenness: broken relationship with God, with ourselves, and with the environment around us. Those who are materially poor and materially wealthy manifest that brokenness differently. As a person living in the top 1% of the world’s wealth, my poverty manifests as trying to give goods or do things for those living in the 99% as way  to give myself worth. I have the perception that if I do good things, I am doing good. The training really helped me to understand that this is not the case. This mindset feeds my pride and self-reliance while undermining the perception those I am helping have of themselves. If I come and in one day give their children what it takes months for them to earn, they leave with a sense of shame and helplessness to better their situation.

The last time I went to Jamaica, I came bearing gifts of soccer balls and t-shirts, handing them out to every child I met and giving myself a pat on the back for my good deed. I didn’t think twice about the message I may have been sending to their parents: I know that you can’t clothe your children, so don’t worry, I will do it. This was not my intention with giving those things away, but not everyone sees the intention behind our actions, only the actions themselves. I wanted this trip to be different but wasn’t sure how I could make it different. With our bags detained in customs, I had the opportunity to truly examine my heart and motivation as I struggled to figure out my purpose on the trip.

Our amazing host for the week, Paula, with a
child getting his first wheelchair

I wrestled with my own poverty, brokenness and insecurity. I realized the perception of my role on this trip was to fit and give away medical equipment. When that was threatened by customs I floundered a little, questioning if I was really doing it right. What actually is my purpose on this trip and am as I fulfilling it? As the week progressed, God spoke to my brokenness and insecurity, reminding me that while the work we are doing for the children is important, the relationships we are building matter most. If we are going to combat poverty around the world, we must be willing to enter into one another’s poverty. Relationships are the catalyst to developing an infrastructure that will address material need and combat material poverty. We must give people the gift of significance, encouraging their worth as individuals by seeing and listening to their needs, wants, and deepest heart desires. I can give the children I work with exercises that will improve their quality of life or a walker that will help them explore their environemnt, but above that, I want to give them hope of life beyond their physical limitations. I want them to know that they are seen and heard and important to the world. As the week progressed, I understood that this is a huge part of my purpose on the trip and every day. I can’t fix our world’s poverty crisis, but I can impact the poverty of an individual and encourage healing in their brokenness as they encourage healing in mine.

Our equipment was eventually released and we were able to fit kids with the wheelchairs, braces, and walkers that we brought. I enjoyed my all-male company and it wasn’t as big a culture shock as I anticipated. I connected with old friends and made new friends that make me smile when I think of them. I am grateful for the blessings I experienced on this trip and am excited to see how God will use the things I learned in the adventures that are to come.

Fun team of kids and students learning from one another
about PT and what we are able to do together

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. ~ Philippians 2:3-4

Get out your guitar

I wish I could write music. I used to write songs with my cousin when we were younger. Our first album consisted of crowd pleasers like Party Time, Top Guy, and Bluebird. For the reunion tour, we produced Bluebird 2. It was a rap. We may have dabbled in beat boxing as well. Since then, I went solo and wrote a few songs that never made it past the door of my bedroom. While I appreciate music and the soundtrack constantly playing in my head, I was not given the gift of expressing melodies on paper, piano, or guitar. I envy those who are able to compose songs, building tension, finding beauty in dissent and resolution, and capturing my unspoken thoughts and feelings in 4-part harmony.

           

Lately, I’ve wished more than ever to be a songwriter because I can’t seem to resolve my thoughts and feelings in a beautiful, melodious package the way a song can. My life is lived in this glorious, infuriating tension that I can’t seem make sense of. Currently, I’m hanging out on that second to last note of a song. That note that drifts awkwardly through the air in search of its resolving partner that will give it meaning and purpose.  I’m the “with” without a “me” in the ABC song, the “you” without an “are” in Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, and the “to” without the “you” in Happy Birthday. (How many of you stopped reading to hum a little? You have to finish the whole line don’t you.) I am living in anticipation of resolution, but that pause before it happens feels as though it is going on forever.

            

If anyone of you know what I am talking about, I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath (then open your eyes so you can keep reading.) Sometimes, that point of tension is the most important part of the song. I took voice lessons in high school and we learned about breath control and phrasing and things like that. One way to captivate an audience is to allow the tension to build on that unresolved note while you take a breath in preparation for the resolving note or phrase. The audience holds their breath, waiting, anticipating that moment of resolution you know is coming. That point of tension is important and necessary for both you and your audience.

            

God is the ultimate songwriter. He has a way of composing our lives to form melodies full of beauty and complexity. At times we are camped out in phrases of tension, suffering or uncertainty. The snapshot of these moments feels dissonant, harsh, and we quickly want to skip ahead to the resolution and joy of the next phrase, wishing away that present tension. But when that happens, we lose the beauty of our melody. God is constantly at work shaping our lives, our stories to reflect who He is and who we are in Him. The songs that stir in my heart are not the simple, happy melodies that make me feel like skipping through a meadow, although those have their place. The songs that make me cry tears of joy and sadness are those that are constantly dissonant and then resolve. They take me on a journey that is at times awkward and uncomfortable, but remind me that it is ok to live with tension. It is ok to live in anticipation of what comes next. My anticipation doesn’t negate the importance of the present, the tension I am living in now. So embrace, with me, the tension of this place, the longing for what is next, and grace in the moment to be content with both. God is faithful and composing a beautiful melody in your life. Rock on!

“But I will sing of your strength,

in the morning I will sing of your love;

for you are my fortress,

my refuge in times of trouble.”

~Psalm 59:16

The Blessing of Birthdays

A couple weeks ago I bid farewell to my 20’s and embraced the joy and unknown of turning 30. It was a grand farewell, celebrated with food, family, friends, and festivities of all kinds. I had a short day at work, complete with amazing co-workers that made my day special with treats and over the top decorations. There were flowers, balloons, and even a Frozen banner strung across the ceiling so anyone who entered the office knew it was my birthday. My family and friends threw an incredible Disney themed costume party complete with Disney photo booth, Disney food, Disney Just Dance, Disney trivia, Disney games, and of course Disney karaoke. It was amazing to have so many people that I love in one place and friends from different seasons and paths of my life mingling and enjoying each other’s company. And then there were birthday dinners. Since my sister-in-law became a regular fixture at birthday dinners we have adopted the practice of birthday reflection questions. The questions are typically: what was a high for the year, what was a low for the year, what is something you have learned, and what do you hope for the year to come? This year, my dad added in a new question: if you could write a letter to your 60-year-old self, what would it say? I an answer, but decided to expand my reflection by writing the letter here.

Dear Michelle,

Happy 60^th birthday! You look good J I don’t know where you are or what you are doing for your birthday this year, but I’ve written this letter to remind you of some things you learned in your earlier life. Themes: learn from the past, live in the present, and long for the future. I hope you enjoy this blast from the past and reflections from your 30-year-old self.

The past doesn’t define you but it certainly does shape you. There are broken dreams and expectations, unexpected joys and successes, and limitless lessons to be learned in all circumstances. When you turned 20, there was a picture in your mind of what that decade would look like: marriage soon after college, kids a few years after that, and at some point a small starter house complete with library and window seat. The longer you went without a boyfriend, the less likely you thought the dream would become a reality. Your timeline, along with your expectations had to be shifted. God was steadfast and tender thru the process, walking with you, encouraging you, and opening your eyes to new opportunities and desires. He taught you to trust him, fully surrender each day to him, and allow him to shower you with joy-filled experiences such as becoming a PT, serving in Niger, and surrounding you with an incredible community of people who dress in goofy costumes to celebrate you. How great is our God! Your current life may not have turned out how you would have written; maybe you have a wayward son, have lost your best friend, or have a body that is failing you. Continue to trust that God’s story in your life is so much richer than what you ever could have imagined! He has purpose in the heartbreak and the joy.

Remember to live in the present. This past year, for your 30-year-old self, has been filled with many reminders that life is short. Each moment that we are given is a gift. It is often difficult to stay present in the moment and cherish the person in front of you, focus on the work at hand, and be grateful for the time you’ve been given. The person in front of you may not be there tomorrow so enjoy your time with them today, put down your phone, turn off the TV (or whatever new technology is available by that time) and truly be present with them. The work in front of you may be difficult or boring, but don’t wish it away to get to something more interesting. God has gifted you to do that work, glorify Him thru it. The moment you are living in may be painful or scary. Don’t wish it away to get to a moment that is easier or happier. Pray through it, offer it to God and allow Him to cover you with His embrace. The most intimate moments I’ve had with God are not when things are going well, but what I am crushed, heart sick, and broken. It may be easier to escape from the pain with books, movies, or TV, but it is so much richer to sit at the feet of our creator and pour your heart out to him. Live in that moment, basking in His glorious presence and accepting the balm of His peace on your weary soul.

Live with eternity in your heart, longing for the perfection that is to come when we enter Heaven and the Holy presence of God. I know I am often overwhelmed by the evil and brokenness in this world and the ugliness of my own sin. As a Christ follower, shouldn’t I have mastered it (my sinful flesh) by now? The theme God has given to me for 30 is grace. Living with the hope of heaven allows me to forgive others, and myself, as Christ has forgiven me. I know that these temporary weaknesses of the flesh will be gone when I am given a new body and am finally, truly home. I know the end of the story, Christ is victorious over evil and sin, so I need not dwell on it. I can live in the freedom and grace He has freely given me, covering over my mistakes and failures, which leads to a more fulfilled life here on earth. I can boldly proclaim His victory so the world will know there is hope beyond the brokenness that we see and experience.  I can be love to a hurting world because Love lives in me, whispering the truth of who I am to Him, beloved daughter, heir to the throne of righteousness. As you enter your twilight years, live each moment with confidence that the best is yet to come. 

May 60 be the best year yet!

With love from the past,

Michelle

Birthdays are a perfect opportunity to reflect on life so far, enjoy the present moment, and look forward to the year ahead. I pray that whether it is your birthday or just a random Thursday, you would take time to reflect on your own journey and celebrate the blessing of today!