Worth the Wait

Summer is quickly approaching in Minnesota bringing with it lazy days at the lake, opportunities to read in the sunshine, and the nuptials of my brother and one of my best friends. Soon we will celebrate their love and the beginning of life together with dinner, dancing, and amazing fellowship. I have never seen my brother happier or Elise more ready to begin their new life and the adventure of marriage. The day is almost 2 weeks away but it feels like only yesterday they were out on their first date while my sister and I talked of moving in together once they fell in love and got married. We (my sister and I) are now settled in our new place and getting used to our roles as both sisters and roommates, and the someday we spoke of for Elise and Dan will soon be a reality. We have the bridesmaid dresses to prove it. The long awaited day is almost here.

This picture's a little blurry, but is from the day of their engagement. 

           

This post has been on my heart for a while but the details of how to actually express what God has been teaching me has been difficult to formulate. It almost feels as if I am at war with myself, but it is not a war that is frightening or disheartening. It is a war between contentment in the now and anticipation of what is to come. Naturally, as I observe the love my brother and Elise share and find excitement over the life they are beginning, I feel a longing or anticipation for experiencing that type of joy myself. There are days when that longing feels hopeful as if that day may be right around the corner, but even if it’s not I am exactly where God wants me. Then there are other days when the longing feels unbearable and I question God how much longer I have to wait, but still feel as if I am exactly where God wants me. Despite the warring emotions surrounding my circumstances and my constantly changing perception of those circumstances, I feel content knowing that I am exactly where God wants me to be. But how can I be content if I desire something different than what I have? That is the question I wrestle with as I sort through the lesson or blessing God wants me to understand during this waiting period.

           

If I am being honest, my emotional state tends to move in a cyclical fashion, as is common in us members of the fairer sex, that usually results in a periodic check-in with God about my desire for a husband. Sometimes it’s precipitated by the announcement of another engagement or pregnancy from a friend or acquaintance. Sometimes it’s preceded by questions from a well-meaning person such as any new men in my life, am I putting myself out there or have I tried on-line dating? These check-ins with God typically play out in the same fashion: I write a few pages in my prayer journal about how much I want a husband, am I doing what God wants in the area of dating, and thank you for this lesson in patience but I think I have learned quite enough. Then, some time over the next couple days God makes it clear that he wants me to wait and be still in this area of my life. He usually starts with scripture and I have learned there are many different verses about waiting on God. In case I thought the scripture was just a coincidence (anyone else ever use that rational?) He has used sermons, podcasts, music, dveotionals, radio announcers, and/or books to ensure I understood His desire is for me to wait on his timing.

            

Over the past couple weeks, God has changed my prayer life a little bit when it comes to dating and marriage. Instead of praying to receive a husband or asking what I need to do in order to find a husband, he has asked me to pray for my husband, a real flesh and blood person, not just a someday someone who may only be a figment of my imagination.  I have learned that if I am preoccupied by something or someone, it usually means I should be praying for that person or situation. God purposefully lays people on my heart so that I will pray for them, whether I fully understand the reason or not. When I become preoccupied by my singleness or the desire for a husband and family, it may be that whoever God has prepared to be my husband is struggling as well. Getting in the habit of praying for my spouse before I meet him I think will be important for the life we will share together. And if I’ve heard wrong and I end up not getting married, I know God will apply my prayer to whatever man he deems needs it at the time. No prayer is ever wasted.

            

However there is something even more important that he has been teaching me during this season of waiting. He has been reminding me that my purpose in life is to glorify him and tell others about the life and hope found in Christ. The ultimate goal in my life is not to get married. The waiting that I am doing is not actually about waiting for a husband. The verses he used to speak to my heart about waiting when I first started asking for guidance, he is now using to teach me something deeper. If I am waiting for my husband to give me satisfaction and contentment, I am setting him up for failure. The longing and anticipation that I feel for the intimacy and love found in marriage, is nothing in comparison to the longing and anticipation of Christ’s perfect love and intimacy that waits for us in eternity. Here on earth, we experience a small glimpse of that love because a glimpse is all we can handle. He gives us a taste of what is to come through our time of prayer and fellowship on earth, but because of the brokenness in our world and the sin that saturates our existence, our whole lives are spent waiting for untainted fellowship in the presence of God.  We hold eternity in our hearts and our soul longs for the holiness and redemption that Christ paid for at the cross. We can find peace in our struggle between contentment with the temporary home of earth and the longing for our true home in heaven because we know that what is to come is worth the wait.  Along the way he gives us love and encouragement through human relationships, whether they be friendships or marriage, to whet our palate for the feast that waits at the end of our lives.

            

God has made it clear to me that being still and waiting on him does not mean sitting on the couch and waiting for life to happen to me. Life doesn’t begin when I fall in love and get married. I have been commissioned to go and make disciples of all nations. I am called to be the hands and feet of Christ, showing love, grace, and the power of redemption to a broken and hurting world. I have purpose because I am a daughter of the Most High King. He loves me and has a plan for my life that is better than anything I could even imagine. If He wants me to wait for marriage and a family, I can trust there is a reason and continue to live the life he has called me to live. I will actively seek after him trusting that the blessings he has for me in this life, and the next, will be worth the wait. 

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. ~Psalm 27:14

Letting Go

As someone who sometimes wishes her life were a musical, I have an affection for the movie Frozen. It’s a fun, feel good movie where all the characters continually break into song and dance, harmonizing in all the right places. Luckily, a lot of the kids I work with share that affection and request the song “Let It Go” frequently as a soundtrack to their therapy sessions. It gives me an opportunity to unashamedly belt the lyrics, that actually fit quite nicely in my vocal range, and remember that letting go is something that God has been trying to teach me over the past couple months. Change does not come easy to me. I tend to desperately cling to what I know and stuff my anxiety below the surface until the changes can no longer be ignored. I then enter life transitions with tears and protests before surrendering to the inevitable. I often wonder, if I am content with my current state of being, why must things change?

           

I recently had the opportunity to visit one of my college roommates who is now living in Knoxville, TN. It was an amazing weekend and exactly what I needed to get away, trading the cold and snirt (snow dirt for those unfamiliar with the term) that lines the Minnesota roadways for the daffodils and Smoky Mountains that make up the landscape of eastern Tennessee. It was also great to catch up with my friend, remembering the past, enjoying the present, and discussing hopes for the future.  The great company, fresh air and sunshine did wonders to chase away my winter blues.

          

One of my favorite activities was a 12-mile hike to Mount Leconte in the Great Smoky Mountain National Park with my friend and her mom. We set out early, enjoying the crisp mountain air and the brisk pace of excitement for what the day would bring. Conversation came easy as the path at the beginning was smooth and a gradual ascent. Before we knew it, the climb became steeper, the terrain more rocky, and our pace began to slow to accommodate. The path was located primarily beneath a canopy of trees, but every once in a awhile, the sun would break through and we would come to a clearing, rewarded with a beautiful view of clear blue skies and rolling, purple mountains. As we increased in elevation, we discovered patches of ice covering the rocks and cables we used for leverage, and our pace slowed even further. 

My friend had no problem keeping up with the conversation, but as my breathing became labored with each step forward, I was content to listen and focus on not falling off the path and into the rocks 100’s of feet below.

When we reached the lodge, we continued to explore the area and paths leading to different parts of the top of the mountain. We placed a rock on the pile signifying that we were at the highest point, becoming queen of the mountain for at least a period of time.

We followed a path to the cliffs and were rewarded with a view that made the long trek worth every step and tired muscle. And then we enjoyed a picnic lunch, watching the helicopter bring much needed supplies as the lodge was set to open the following week, but weather conditions had not been conducive for the helicopter to make the necessary drops. We were blessed with an incredible day, full of clear skies and sunshine, cool enough that the bugs were still sleeping and warm enough to hike in a t-shirt (well at least this Minnesota girl did). 

The rush of being on top of the world for an hour kept us going on the long way back down, though my knees were yelling at me and the snacks in my daypack kept calling my name. It was incredible to see how different the landscape looked as we traveled back down as the sun had shifted places in the sky and we were given a different perspective. Once we arrived back at my friend’s place, her sweet husband picked up sushi and Chick-fil-a waffle fries (the things we craved) and we settled in for the evening to watch none other than Frozen.

God often uses change in our lives to push us out of our comfort zone and allow us to experience something better than what we would plan or imagine for ourselves. Just like our hike through the mountains, he begins refinement gradually, easing us into the changes and planting seeds of his faithfulness. As we continue our path of refinement, He places more challenging obstacles in our way, giving us strength to overcome, building up our confidence and faith in Him. He scatters in glimpses of what is to come, a clearing in the forest where we can feel the sun on our face and take in the beauty of what awaits the end of our climb. These glimpses propel us forward through the toughest part of the journey, the unknown of when we will arrive, is it just around the corner or still a mile away? We keep putting one foot in front of the other, drawing encouragement from those who travel with us, until we finally reach our destination. We dwell there and enjoy the fruits of our labor, refreshed and ready for the journey back down the mountain. The memory of the top and a new perspective propels us back to the place we came from. Though the place is familiar, we are forever changed by the experience of the climb.

           

At some point along the way, we must relinquish control, let go of what we know, and trust. We must trust that the path we are taking is safe and will lead us where we want to go. We must trust the people we journey with to lead and follow faithfully the path that has been set before us. And we must trust that it is worth it. I am personally entering a time of transition in my life: moving to a new place, acquiring a new roommate (my sister), acquiring a new sister (my roommate), and stepping out of my role as a small group leader for a group of amazing women that I have grown to love and care deeply for. God is asking that I let go and let Him lead me into the unknown. He has proven faithful thus far, so I will let go and get ready to experience whatever blessings he has prepared for the next journey ahead. Sometimes we have to let go of good things in order to experience the best thing.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep in the the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generation, for ever and ever! Amen."

~Ephesians 3:16-21

According to Plan...

            It’s funny how our plans change sometimes. For example, today my plan was to run errands, get my oil changed, stop by the bank, and pick up some things at the grocery store. However, I woke up this morning to a small blizzard and my plans changed. Instead I decided to stay in my warm, cozy apartment, drink coffee, and write this post. I have a perfect view of the swirling snowflakes outside my window without the stress of fighting traffic, slippery roads, and all the layers of clothes required to block the chilly wind. Truth be told, I’m rather enjoying my change in plans.

            A couple weekends ago, I had the opportunity to share my faith story at church. For those of you unfamiliar with a faith story, each week, our church invites one of its members to share what God has done or is doing in their lives. It was a really cool experience because while I’ve talked about my faith with individuals, I’ve never actually declared my faith in front of a large group of people. I’ve had experience presenting at conferences for different topics having to do with physical therapy so I was surprised with the amount of anxiety I experienced surrounding the weekend and sharing my story. God is so faithful. I was originally scheduled to share my story a different weekend but it was rescheduled. I was then told instead of 5 minutes to share, I would have 3, so the story I submitted needed to be cut. Through the editing process, God prompted me to write a whole new story. Much of my anxiety surrounding my story was that is was incomplete and insignificant. How could I explain the impact God has had in my life in 3 minutes or less? But God absolutely knew what he was doing. The sermon series I shared during was supposed to start the week before, but was postponed because of extreme cold. Not only did the story fit with the sermon for the day I shared, but when the pastor prayed for me after I finished, he filled in some of the gaps I thought I missed after the story was re-written.

            I had a request to post the faith story here for those who didn’t get to see it in person, so here it is!

           

Like many kids who grow up in a loving, Christian home, I accepted the love and forgiveness of Jesus at a young age. I grew up going to Church on Sundays and youth group on Wednesdays, learning early on the importance of reading my Bible, praying, and memorizing Bible verses.  By the time I got to high school, I was pretty sure I had God figured out.  I had a variety of friends, did well in school and athletics, and made good life choices. Of course I experienced trials: a few knee surgeries, the death of my grandmother, disagreements with friends, and break-ups with boyfriends.  But once removed from the situation, I could see the purpose God had for each experience. When I was accepted to Belmont University and earned a spot on the soccer team I felt that was where God was calling me to go. I thought I knew the good things God had in store when I made the right choices, so I obediently left home for the great unknown.

My college experience wasn’t at all what I expected it would be. I did my best to make good choices, standing firm in my convictions, but the good results I expected did not happen!  In fact, I experienced some difficult things and I almost transferred back home after a particularly hurtful incident with my teammates.  I felt ostracized and misunderstood by people I believed were going to be my closest friends.  I became someone I didn’t even recognize.  Instead of defending myself, I withdrew, becoming quiet, reserved, and unsure how to relate to people.  The vision I had of what my college experience would be like slowly faded, leaving me broken and confused, yet clinging to the promise that God still had something good for me.

                   I stayed at Belmont, graduated and then returned home to pursue a degree and career in physical therapy. In the years that followed, God began the healing process, putting me back together stronger and more reliant on Him than I ever was before college. Early last year I sustained a concussion that resulted in extended time off work. During that time, God began to reveal the good He intended in my college experience. He reconnected me with friends from school, and even showed me how he had worked through me in their lives.  He also taught me that there is freedom in surrender. I am learning that I am not capable of controlling what happens, no matter how many good choices I make.  He wants so much more for me than athletic prowess and popularity.  He wants me to come to him and know him because to know him is not only good, it is best. What I thought I knew about God paled in comparison to actually knowing God. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

            The funny thing about plans not turning out how we expect, is that what actually happens is usually better. I will never regret my choice in college because I met some amazing people and made relationships that are still important to me today, even though there are many miles between us. Even the difficult relationships, the misunderstandings, and the times of loneliness taught me important lessons about myself, humanity, and God, shaping me into the person I am today. Though I may have plans and dreams that have not come to fruition, though I may still struggle with doubt and uncertainties, I know I can trust what God is doing. The blessing of life in him flows from His abounding love and compassion that is lavished on us when we turn and seek him with our whole hearts.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

            and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,

            and he will make your paths straight.”   ~Proverbs 3:5,6

Seeing How the Pieces Fit

Between the beginning of a new year and my birthday just around the corner, winter is usually a great time for reflection on where God has brought me and where He is leading. For my friends not living in MN, days like today where the air temp is -9 degrees and the wind chill is -22 (and dropping), the sunshine is streaming in through the window, and hot coffee keeps me nice and cozy it is easy to sit and be still before God. Last night, instead of going out to brave the cold, I put on my pajamas, curled up with a good book, and then sat staring out my window at the wonderment of God. I discovered that when the air is cold the sky is so clear that it reveals a brilliant display of stars right in the middle of the city. I’m a huge fan of stars and how the expanse of the night sky makes me feel small in comparison to the glory of God. As I gazed out the window enjoying the beautiful view, I felt a warm embrace of protection and love as I sat and poured out my heart to the creator of it all. We chatted about the past and the future while basking in the present moment. It was such a sweet time.

            

Not a picture of the cold night sky, but from an unseasonably warm winter day I spent exploring the woods with my snowshoes. Winter is so beautiful!

This past year has been an exceptional year for learning, which is ironic cause its one of the few years of my life that I haven’t been in school. The year started out with an unexpected blow to the head that gave me the time I needed to allow God to transform my heart. Being stripped of things that gave me a false sense of identity: work, soccer, reading, writing, and social activities, allowed the opportunity for God to reveal my true identity which is only found in Him. All of my striving to achieve titles, praise, and accolades that provided a short term boost in my sense of worth left me yearning for something more. This year God showed me just how much more I was missing when I valued the things of this world above what he has to offer me.

            

Don’t get me wrong. I know that I have been a faithful follower of Christ for most of my life and He has proven faithful to me many, many times before this year so I don’t want to give the impression that He just now showed up or I just now began to truly seek Him. That would be a gross oversimplification. But I do feel that this has been a year of revelation. The extended time of reflection has given Him the opportunity to put the pieces of my life together. Have you ever worked on a puzzle? On New Year’s Day we decided to complete a puzzle my sister had received for Christmas. We each took a section, gathering pieces with like colors, comparing them to the big picture on the cover, and then doing our best to fit the pieces together. Often, I would pick up the same piece over and over again, try to make it fit in the same hole I’d tried 5 times before, and get frustrated because it still wouldn’t give me that satisfying click. As more of the picture developed, fitting pieces in the places that did click, my view of that one piece began to transform. What if I turned it around and looked at it from a different angle? Maybe it matched the space right below where I kept trying to force it. Then came the click and that piece of the puzzle suddenly made sense with the bigger picture. That is how I’ve felt about this past year. So many of pieces of my life I kept trying to shove into places they weren’t intended.  But when God transformed my perspective, they clicked easily into place.

            

The puzzle we finished, isn't it pretty!

So what does the new year bring? I have no idea. There are still questions and pieces that lay on the table next to the puzzle waiting for their turn to become a part of the bigger picture. I have dreams and desires that have yet to be fulfilled but one of the greatest things this year has taught me is that God is faithful. When I delight in Him, trust Him, and am obedient to His calling, He’ll reveal where my pieces fit, even if its not for years down the road. It gives life a sense of adventure and excitement knowing that the creator of the universe, the great star breather, and King of Kings, helps me see how the pieces of my life fit like a loving father would. He delights in revealing my true identity as his daughter and the time of sweet fellowship renewing my perspective on each piece of my life I surrender to Him.  What a great God we serve!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment-to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ."

~Ephesians 1:3-9

Cheers to a blessed 2014, whatever the year may bring!

            

Giving Thanks for a Broken Heart

I vividly remember the all-important seventh grade dance where everyone stood around, step touching to *NSYNC or Backstreet Boys with the girls on one side of the gym and the boys on the other. There were always a few brave girls who crossed over to solicit a dance partner and a whole lot more who dreamed of which partner they hoped would venture over to ask them. I’d worked all year to flirt with the boys who frequented my weekly “Top 10 list” and had even carried around extra pens in my backpack, just in case one of them needed to borrow one. Each guarded smile and package of Gelly Rolls that was exchanged during the year lead me to this day. I just knew one of them would see me and think, “She’s pretty, I’ll ask her to dance.” As my mom found out through a flood of tears over a double batch of cookie dough, none of them did. My heart was broken.

            

As most seventh grade hearts do, mine eventually mended and I got over the rejection of the dance. As I moved through high school and college, I encountered many more opportunities for heartbreak: unrequited love, broken promises, broken dreams, deception, personal failure, and rejection. Intellectually, I understood that these experiences were all a part of the greater human experience, but I didn’t really like how they felt. I began to put up walls around my heart to protect it from the pain that accompanied these negative experiences and focused only on the positive aspects of life. Reflecting on that time, I don’t believe it was something that I did consciously, but it was more of a defense mechanism that evolved for self-preservation. I’ve always been a positive person and the negative emotions and experiences didn’t fit into my worldview. I also trivialized the pain I was feeling because I thought it was disproportionate to whatever triggered the pain response, wounding my pride and causing the feelings to flee deep below the surface where I wouldn’t have to face them. So while I downplayed or ignored my pain I began to develop some fear avoidance behavior, not allowing myself to be vulnerable or open with people because it might hurt too much if they reject me. This may have lessened opportunities to be hurt but it also lessened opportunities to experience love. And I learned, it didn’t actually protect my heart from breaking.

            

Over the past few years, God has taught me the importance of heartbreak in our lives and how we can be thankful for some of the most painful things we experience. While reflecting on what broke my heart in high school and college, despite my best efforts at protecting myself from pain, I began to see purpose in those experiences. It was often in those darkest times that I drew closest to God. I realized that life is beyond my control and my need for someone beyond myself became apparent. In a world that was constantly changing and at times disappointing, God was faithful to me; a constant refuge I could cling to when my world seemed out of control.  In him, I found hope and purpose that this life is not all that there is.

            

Personal heartbreak also helps us relate to one another. There is a huge difference between the academic knowledge of how pain works that I learned in physical therapy school and the physical knowledge of what pain feels like after several knee surgeries, weeks of rehab, and the dull ache that is present after a long day at work.  It is the same with emotional pain.  Living in a broken world means that we are going to meet broken people who relate best to other broken people. We don’t all share the same experiences, but God can take our heartbreak, no matter how trivial or inconsequential, and use it to evoke empathy for one another. It helps us better understand where our neighbor is coming from and why they react the way they do, deepening our ability to love and forgive each other’s grievances.

            

A broken heart can also change us to be more like Christ. Jesus’ heart broke for the sick and the lame, he wept with passion over the broken hearts of his friends, and he suffered heartbreak for the sin that leads us all into death and destruction. That heartbreak and obedience to his father, lead Him to action. He sacrificed his life for ours, enduring the suffering and shame of the cross, so that in him our hearts could be made whole. Because he was fully human, he understands our feelings of heartbreak. Because he was fully God, he was able to redeem that heartbreak and turn it into something wonderful.

            

When we place our life and trust in Him, we have power to do the same. Life becomes less about avoiding pain and more about allowing God to change our perspective on that pain, using it for something better. While in this life we are guaranteed to experience heartbreak and pain, we possess the power of Jesus to give thanks for heartbreak and rejoice in our pain. We suffer as those who have hope that the world we live in is only temporary, we are here for a short time with an important purpose: to bring glory to our Father in heaven and his Son Jesus Christ. We are called to live life not by avoiding pain at all costs, but embracing love and surrendering our lives to God no matter the cost. We fix our eyes on Jesus, drawing strength and joy to face our heartbreak and see it for what it is, temporary suffering for eternal glory.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~ James 1:2-4

"But he [Jesus] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christs's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, than I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:9,10

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." ~2 Corinthians 1:3,4

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:2

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Confessions from the Heart of a Single Woman

 I enjoy my life. There are so many things I count as blessings everyday. I have a good job, great friends and family, a fun place to sleep and entertain, and extracurricular activities that I enjoy. It’s not perfect, I’m not perfect, but I truly look forward to waking up each morning to see what the new day will bring. With all of that being said, there are some days that are easier to wake up joyful than others. As a lifelong Christian and eternal optimist, I have struggled to voice what usually troubles me on those particularly difficult mornings. If I’m being honest, most days it’s about still being single. I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman and worry that by defining my feelings surrounding singleness I will appear weak, discontent, or lonely. Those words have a desperate connotation to them that doesn’t seem to accurately describe how I feel about my current season of life. Have I felt those things? Absolutely. But I don’t think they tell the whole story. So, instead of sorting out my true feelings, giving voice to my troubles, I pretend not to feel anything or push them below the surface. Hidden away, they are less confusing, but often infect other parts of my life. Sometimes they will take the form of something I am more comfortable with facing or deem a more socially acceptable struggle, but usually they stay a shadow of undefined fears I try to keep hidden away. Thankfully, God has begun the process of renewing my mind in this area.

            

I like praying and spending time with God, asking difficult questions and listening to what he may be trying to whisper to my parched and weary soul. While praying one of the more difficult mornings, after a particularly discouraging self-pity party about my romantic life (or lack thereof), God whispered understanding into what I was experiencing, satisfying the thirst I kept trying to quench with chocolate. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose. He reminded me that He is good and will work out my singleness for good. My idea of what is good for me right now is not always his idea of good. He sees the whole picture of my life and the lives of people around me, revealing what is best for us in his perfect timing. My joy and my purpose must be found in him alone, trusting in Him and His timeline. He is my portion and my strength because I am weak and there is no shame in weakness. It is thru that weakness he displays his strength and his glory in my life.  By seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in something other than him, I will be disappointed and discouraged every time. He is the One who is unchanging and faithful in a world that changes all the time. I know what he has promised for my life and can trust that He will do what he promises.

            

The revelation was two-fold, because while he spoke the truth of His good plan for my life, he also reminded me there is one who is fighting against his good purpose and isn’t above using dirty tactics to do it.  In 1 Peter 5:8 it says that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Satan seeks to destroy and distract me from the purpose God intends for my life. Reflecting on the days that are hard, the times that I question ‘why not me?’ or ‘why not now?’  most often come after God has done something incredible in my life or tangibly shown me that I have purpose and I am exactly where he wants me to be. As a single woman, my feelings of isolation, rejection, and a sense of being defective are often the strategy Satan utilizes to immobilize me. Instead of keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus, he points out those around me who are happy and in love and having babies and starting “real life.” This leads me down the rabbit hole of when is my “real life” going to start and why am I the last to be picked for a team? The reality is that real life is now and I have been picked for a team, a team that has kingdom purpose and eternal rewards waiting for me when I arrive at my forever home. Satan wants me to feel as though there is no one in the world who understands what I am going thru and that I am completely alone. He wants me to be silent about my struggles because when I don’t give voice to what I am feeling, I live in the shadows cast by undefined fears instead of the light of truth that God is greater than those fears.

            

The tactics Satan uses to immobilize the people of God are not unique to my single season of life. He seeks to isolate and plant seeds of doubt that God doesn’t actually work out our difficult circumstances for good. It may come in the form of mistrust between a husband and wife because of a small miscommunication that evolves into something much bigger. He divides and conquers the partnership God established to make it less effective in his kingdom building purpose. It may come in the form of infertility, as a couple struggles to understand why they are not able to bring new life into the world.  As each month passes with another reminder of failed conception, doubts of God’s good plan for their lives evolve into self-blaming, God-blaming fears that keep them internally focused, wavering between grief over their situation and guilt over that grief because they feel they should have more faith. Or it may be the rebellion of a child whose parents have loved, nurtured, and taught about the love and hope found in Christ.  The one they would give their life for continually throws daggers of hurtful words and actions meant to wound and destroy any hope of meaningful relationship during a pivotal season in growth. No matter what the difficult circumstance may be, Satan wants us to silently brood over our troubles, holding onto them tightly or stuffing them below the surface where they can fester instead of laying them down at the foot of the cross and allowing the balm of grace to heal our broken places.

           

Is it wrong for me as a single woman to desire a husband? Does it mean that I am not content with where God has placed me right now? Does it threaten my identity and solidarity with my fellow single sisters? When I bring these questions to my savior the resounding answer is no. It is not wrong for me to want a life partner with whom I can build a life with someday. It doesn’t mean that I can’t find contentment in the moment and rest in the place and season God has me in right now. And my identity as and solidarity with single women of God actually has nothing to do with the single part. I am a daughter of the most high King, created for the purpose of glorifying my savior and creator through the power of the Holy Spirit. The “single” part of my identity is only a box I fill in on the church attendance card or check when I register for a new driver’s license. It is a temporary season that fails to describe all who God has created me to be. My single sisters (and brothers) we are more than the label the world ascribes to us and more than the label we ascribe to ourselves. I pray we resist the lies Satan feeds us and hold onto the promises that what God has for us is good. No matter what season of life, or struggle you are working through, don’t suffer in silence; don’t cultivate the seeds of doubt, give voice to your fears, talk about your struggles, walk with others in weakness and vulnerability because chances are they are wrestling with doubts as well. Together, allow the truth of God to wash over you, encouraging light to drive away the darkness of the shadow of doubt. You will begin to see new blessings each day, even the tough ones.

Everything changes

Growing up my family had a large brown conversion van that shuffled us wherever we needed to go. It was huge and we drove it everywhere from soccer practice to school, the cabin up north to Richmond, Virginia. There was plenty of room to spread out and play with dolls or kick back and listen to Adventure in Odyssey tapes. It was an oasis of memories and I loved it, until about junior high. I think it was around 7^th grade that the sliding door stopped sliding making the back seat passengers have to crawl in through the front door to get to their seats. I also began to see the exterior as outdated, pocked with rust spots, and the overall size dwarfed the more fashionable sports cars my friends’ parent’s drove to pick from up school. I was embarrassed to be seen in it.  When my parents announced it was time to trade in our trusty van for a different vehicle, I was elated, that is until it actually came time to leave the van in the lot to drive the new one home. While my parents were inside signing papers, I sat in the van sobbing. The van and I had been through so much together and even though it was falling apart, I had a hard time letting it go.

This is what our van looked like new, isn't it pretty!

            

Everyone deals with changes in life a little bit differently. Some people seek out constant change and motion, getting bored quickly or forever looking for the adventure that waits around the corner. Others like things exactly as they are and want them to stay that way forever. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I have a hard time with change emotionally but get excited when I think about what adventures are yet to come. The last few weeks have been a time of transition for me. There have been exciting changes in my life and the lives of some of my favorite people.  My brother has been called to step out of his role as small group leader for the group I’ve been blessed to share life with over the last two years and into a new opportunity God has laid on his heart. A dear friend has been called overseas for an extended period of time to fulfill the vision God has laid on her heart to make disciples of all nations. We have a new pastor at church that is full of life and the Spirit and is going to shake things up. I am excited about what God has in store for our church but I have a feeling it will be very different than what people are used to, leading to inevitable growing pains. And the biggest change happened earlier this month when my dear brother asked for my roommate’s hand in marriage. The future change from roommate to sister is beyond anything I could have ever imagined, but it does mean that I won’t have daily access to her wisdom, sharing of hearts, and wardrobe that I do now.  Our current situation will inevitably change.

           

The "Engberg" children on the day of the engagement! It was such a perfect day!

Intellectually, I know that change is good and that God uses times of transition to mold and shape us into the people he wants us to be but I find that I usually have to mourn the loss of what was, before I can see the beauty of what is to come. I struggle to articulate my true feelings because while the mourning part usually involves tears similar to the ones spilt over our old van, those tears don’t tell the whole story. Change also evokes excitement and joy in the promise of a new day, a future untainted by sins or regrets of the past, a thrill and terror of the great unknown. I live in a place of dichotomy where I am happy, sad, excited, and petrified, experiencing each emotion in succession yet all at once when I think about what each change actually means. In fact, I’ve struggled for weeks to write this post, because I can’t wrap my thoughts together in a nice package to present to you how I truly feel about change and the changes occurring in my own life. Maybe that is the point. Maybe change is supposed to evoke a variety of feelings within us so that we must cling to the one who is unchanging. We live in a dichotomy after all, striving for contentment and peace in the present moment, yet yearning for the promise of life eternal. Life and circumstances are in constant ebb and flow, threatening to turn our eyes from our Savior to the uncertainty of our surroundings. In times of change and transition we must remember that He is our Rock and our Redeemer, the One we can cling to, knowing he is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. He longs for us to seek him, sit at his feet, and rest in whatever change may come.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows.” ~James 1:17