Blessings in the Storm

I awoke on Thursday to the rumble of thunder and that cozy morning darkness that accompanies rain storms. It was my day off and I wanted to roll back over, close my eyes, and go back to sleep. The rain was threatening to ruin my morning plans anyway so why should I get up? But after a few minutes of an internal pep talk I did. I got up, got dressed, and made my way to the Caribou Einsteins across the street for my morning coffee, bagel, and quiet time with God. As I read through the She Reads Truth study of Ruth, I knew it was not going to be an ordinary day.

A few months ago, I joined a team of about 100 people from Wooddale church to launch a new campus in Loring Park located in downtown Minneapolis. We leased a gorgeous piece of real estate called the Music Box Theater situated a few blocks from the park, a few blocks from eat street, and right in the middle of 3 large subsidized housing projects. Because of my love and experience with kids, I joined the children’s ministry team, so if there were kids from the neighborhood that wanted to come to church, they would have something just for them. As summer approached, God laid a vision on our hearts to provide a weekly kids program on Thursdays and the Music Box Kidz was born. We kicked off with a movie night, showing Zootopia, and inviting the kids to learn about what we had planned for the summer. We had about 15 kids show interest in attending our camp, so our first day we planned for 15 kids, although we had no idea how many of them would come.  We ended up having about 8 kids. The second week we also had 8 kids, but not the same 8 kids. That night we hosted a worship night at the Music Box for the community. Families of the kids who attended in the morning came and told us how much their kids loved coming and couldn’t stop talking about what they were learning. We expected to have steady growth as the summer progressed, but Week 3 only 2 kids came. Week 4 again only 2 kids. Week 5 there were 6 kids. Each morning the kids talked about how they loved coming and didn’t want to leave when it ended, but our numbers stayed low and only a few kids came more than 1 time. Our plan for week 5 was a sports day at the park, but when I awoke to a torrential downpour I knew that was not going to happen. Would we have any kids come? Was it really worth getting out of my nice warm bed after a really long week at work to trek downtown in the pouring rain only to be disappointed when no one showed up?

Thankfully, God knew where my heart was as we met for coffee that morning. The Scripture He highlighted from Ruth is found in Ruth 2:12: “May the Lord reward you for what you have done, and may you receive a full reward from the Lord God of Israel, under whose wings you have come for refuge.” As I read the commentary written by Amanda Bible Williams of the She Reads Truth team, this bolded statement wiped away any lingering doubt: Your small and steady acts of faithfulness are being used in big and beautiful ways in the kingdom of God. It didn’t matter how many kids came each week or how many kids would come that morning. He would use the work we put into this summer for His eternal glory whether we saw the fruits of that or not. So with a fresh perspective, I made my way to church.

Our theme for the summer was fruits of the Spirit, each day we picked 1 or 2 fruits to highlight and would read a story out of The Jesus Storybook Bible that related to that fruit. Thursday was kindness and I planned to read the story of Zacheaus and how Jesus was kind to him. We were able to adapt our sports day to indoor sports games that could be played in the church lobby including walking soccer and relay races with an agility ladder. At 10:05, 2 smiling faces bounded in to greet us, excited to be at the theater. We walked around the building across the street to see if any of the other kids wanted to come, but none were home. 

Still excited about God’s encouragement from the morning, I knew God was going to do something special for these two kids. The morning began to unfold in it’s typical fashion, but once I was finished reading the story, the kids started to ask questions about Jesus. Was he real? Is that a true story? Why was he so nice to that man? As we gave answers the questions started to go deeper. Who killed him? Why did they kill him? Why didn’t he stop them? Was he really God’s Son? I turned to the story of Jesus’s death and resurrection in the Jesus Storybook Bible and started to read. These 2 bouncing kids sat listening, anxiously waiting for me to turn to the next page, asking more and more questions. The story of hope and redemption unfolded before them, a story they had never heard before. The story of a father who loved them, even though they have done bad things. A father who made a way for them to live forever with him because he loved them so much. The story of Jesus, who can help them when they are afraid or angry or sad. Eventually the wiggles won out, the story ended, and their attention went elsewhere, but God allowed the seeds to be planted. I have a feeling those seeds are going to grow into beautiful fruit in each of their lives and that God is going to use them for a very specific purpose. Will you join me in praying for Kevin, Shania, and their mother Dorian? 

We all face storms that make us not want to get out of bed. Life has a way of generating uncertainty, leading us to question our purpose, our worth, and if the things we do actually make a difference. Let me encourage you friends, you have purpose, you have worth, and you are making a difference. Every time you take a chance and step out in faith, God will reward your effort. We have the chance to live extraordinary lives by taking one ordinary step at a time. What is God calling you to step into? What small and steady step of faith is He going to use in big, beautiful ways for His kingdom? 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. ~Ephesians 3:20

Trust for Today

We all have dreams and visions for our lives. If you are like me, those dreams and visions have evolved over the years. My dream of becoming an author and illustrator of children’s books was crushed by my second grade art teacher when I was given a 2 on a project I turned in. I was devastated. But like most kids, I found new dreams: either a singer, a soccer player, just an author without the illustrator part, or a missionary doctor. These were my wouldn’t it be awesome dreams. The vision I had for my life was a little different. It was always a given that I was a wife and mother. No matter what dream I entertained at the time, it was always secondary to the role I would play in taking care of my family. I planned out each dream and what it would look like: I could write stories during nap time, my family could come watch me play soccer but it wouldn’t actually take up that much time, I would become a doctor and once the kids grew up we would leave for Africa to be missionaries. I could orchestrate everything to turn out just how I wanted to make all my dreams come true, I was certain.

I recently finished a study of Proverbs guided by She Reads Truth. There were two verses that stuck out to me during this study and provided space for me to reflect on my current dreams and visions: Proverbs 19:21and Proverbs 3:6-7. The vision I had for my life, the one where I am wife and mother, hasn’t happened yet. While I pursue this vision in a variety of ways, online dating sites, going on dates, and putting myself in situations where I could meet men, at times I am frustrated with what appears to be lack of progress. This wasn’t a part of my plan, this waiting before my real life starts. Oh but God, in His infinite grace and wisdom, has given me hope and life in the waiting. Proverbs 19:21 says: “Many are the plans in a  person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” As I look back over the last years of my life, I see a time of preparation, of God drawing me near to him for sweet fellowship and intimacy that may not have happened if I had different responsibilities. If I would have sought purpose in my role as wife and mother, I could have been sorely disappointed when that didn’t offer the satisfaction and fulfillment I expected, the fulfillment and satisfaction only he can provide. God allowed this waiting period to remind me that I have a greater purpose, a greater role as daughter of the High King of Heaven. He wants to be my purpose, my hope, and my vision. It is from this place, this identity, that I can be a good wife and mother. 

Looking back at the list of dreams I had as a child, many of them have been fulfilled, but just look a little different than the way I had planned them. I am currently singing in a band, not that we will be landing a record deal any time soon, but it is fun. I was blessed to earn a scholarship to play division I soccer through college. I still write stories and while I don’t post as often as I would like, I enjoy writing this blog and the release that follows putting my thoughts into written word. And while I didn’t go to medical school, I became a doctor of physical therapy and have been given opportunities here and abroad to spread the love of Christ while providing hope and healing through the gift of therapy. Proverbs 3:6-7 says: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” God knows the dreams and desires of my heart because he knows me. He created me. He also sees the bigger picture, the view beyond today for what is best. While my heart may be restless, he calls me to trust him. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow so why worry and try to plan for and control what may not be? He hasn’t asked that I give up my vision of being a wife and mother, just that I am patient and trust in his timing while he prepares me and develops new dreams to compliment the old ones. He asks me to live day to day, surrendering daily to Him. So I will trust him for today, trust that he will guide my steps, trust that he will lead me, and trust that he has placed dreams and visions in my heart for his purpose.

What do you need to surrender to God today? Where do you need to have trust for today?

Our band recently started rehearsing new songs for an upcoming gig. This song has been a huge encouragement to me: Trust in You-Lauren Daigle I hope you enjoy!

Hurry Up and Wait

This morning I didn’t plan on sprinting through the airport as the overhead page called my name for final boarding call. Before the sprinting commenced, it was a morning full of hurry up and wait, hurry to validate my passport, followed by a long wait to drop off my checked bag, then hurry to the end of the security line that spanned from door 6 to door 3 only to wait in another long line before I could enter the terminal. It was once I finally cleared security that my name was called and I was still at least 4 moving walkways away from the gate. I ran faster than I had at 6am since soccer practice in college, arriving sweaty and breathless just before they closed the cabin door. And now here I sit, for a 6 hour layover, and I think after 3 hours in I have finally caught my breath.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life recently, the times of hurry and the times of waiting. The year that I turned 30 was amazing, going almost according to plan. I went on some incredible trips, spent a lot of time with people I care about doing really fun things, like using a chop saw and nail gun to remodel our cabin, and stepped out of my comfort zone and into the unknown waters of online dating. It was a whirlwind of a year and before I knew it, I had turned 31. The magical year had ended quicker than I anticipated, revealing unexpressed expectations I had placed on myself and what I thought the year would bring. Truth be told, I was hoping online dating would lead to real life dating, but alas, it was not to be. 

For a season of life, I heard God telling me to wait when it came to dating. It’s not that I was refusing dates, but I was not pursuing them. It was a paradoxical time of loving my independence and longing for a partner to share the journey with. It was a time of refining, learning to rely on God for my strength, identity, and value. As Andy Stanley would say, I focused on becoming the person I’m looking for is looking for by seeking God first and trusting Him through the process. I had gotten in a rhythm, comfortable with that season of life. So when the season began to change, I didn’t trust it and questioned the message I was receiving. When I returned from Guatemala, it was clear that I knew how God communicated with me and when I step out and obey, cool things happen. So my season of waiting officially transitioned into a season of action and I hurriedly signed up for online dating. I thought the cherry on top of a stellar year would be to meet an incredible guy, or two, with potential to be a happily ever after. When the year transitioned and my dating subscription ended, I was disappointed but learned some very important things. 

Here is what I know to be true: God is good. I am blessed to serve a faithful God who is never late, even if His time table is different from my own. I know that He is able to do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine according to His power that is at work in me. I know that though the outcome of my obedience was not what I had hoped for, there was purpose in the process and He will use it and is using it to strengthen my faith and give me hope for the future. I know that my life is not my own, I have surrendered it to Him. With that surrender my life is in His hands fully and completely, whether in the United States or traveling to another part of the world, whether single, dating or married, whether waiting in line or sprinting through the airport. I am a daughter of the most high king of heaven, and I am blessed.

Fall in Minnesota

Blessings come in large and small packages. For me, the year has brought an abundance of large blessings and unique experiences. I am a little uncertain how to digest and articulate what I've learned and how I feel about what I experienced. So instead, I will share with you a small blessing I experienced the other day. 

Fall is one of my favorite times of year. Actually, I think any time the seasons first begin to to change is my favorite. It's like being reunited with a friend and getting reacquainted with all the things you've missed from the previous year. There is a park near my home with 14 miles of trails that is one of my favorite places to explore. Since I have a day off during the week, I often explore solo, drinking in the beauty of the trees, warmth of the sunshine, and the rhythm of worship music blasting through my headphones. While those I meet in passing on the trail see that I am alone, I never feel as though I am. These hikes are a time for me to pray, to think, to pass time rejoicing in my creator and allow him to speak the truth of who I am into my often thirsty soul. On this particular walk, I was struck by the beauty of fall. The crisp blue sky contrasted by the fiery blaze of red trees was magnified by the still, glassy lake that revealed its perfect reflection. The path was lined with golden trees that towered above my head casting an ethereal glow on each step I took. Each song brought me deeper into worship and lightened the burdens and cares I so often try to carry on my own. I found myself skipping or dancing a few times, and then laughing at myself because if I happened to run into other hikers, they would certainly think I was crazy. It was like that joy, that freedom was so overwhelming I couldn't contain it and all I could do was dance. I walked and walked, danced and walked, and loved every step of the journey.

 I tried to capture my experience by taking pictures, but they always fell a little flat. You can't smell falling leaves, or feel the heat of exertion cooled by a crisp breeze or hear the light melody of music in a picture. These pictures will only give you a glimpse so you'll  just have to go out and experience it all for yourself. 

I think that I am almost ready to articulate what God has been teaching during my summer of international travel. I've tried it on a few times during conversations with people who ask about my trip. I also shared bits and pieces in writing on the blog we kept during our time in Guatemala. Until my thoughts and feelings are fully cooked, I am content to be present in this moment, this season, enjoying the wonder and beauty of His creation, the blessing of change and His presence in my everyday life. 

No Problem, Mon

Hanging out at UWI

After sitting in customs for 2 hours and walking into the bright, sticky sunshine sans the 3-4 bags of medical equipment we brought, I knew this trip would be different from the ones before. I returned to Kingston, Jamaica last week for a third time after taking a couple year hiatus. We were a team of 10 diverse individuals, of whom I was the only female. Since my workplace consists of a department of about 40 women and 1 man, I had a feeling I was in for a little culture shock before we even arrived.

Jamaica is the first of 2 international trips I will be taking this summer. The second trip is with my church to Guatemala City working at an orphanage in Sumpango, about an hour outside of the city. As a part of our training we have been going thru the curriculum When Helping Hurts put out by the Chalmers Center. I was so grateful to have gone through this training before the trip to Jamaica as it gave me a new perspective on poverty and short-term outreach/missions trips.

Done with gross motor testing
and all smiles

Poverty affects more than those who are economically or materially poor. Poverty is about brokenness: broken relationship with God, with ourselves, and with the environment around us. Those who are materially poor and materially wealthy manifest that brokenness differently. As a person living in the top 1% of the world’s wealth, my poverty manifests as trying to give goods or do things for those living in the 99% as way  to give myself worth. I have the perception that if I do good things, I am doing good. The training really helped me to understand that this is not the case. This mindset feeds my pride and self-reliance while undermining the perception those I am helping have of themselves. If I come and in one day give their children what it takes months for them to earn, they leave with a sense of shame and helplessness to better their situation.

The last time I went to Jamaica, I came bearing gifts of soccer balls and t-shirts, handing them out to every child I met and giving myself a pat on the back for my good deed. I didn’t think twice about the message I may have been sending to their parents: I know that you can’t clothe your children, so don’t worry, I will do it. This was not my intention with giving those things away, but not everyone sees the intention behind our actions, only the actions themselves. I wanted this trip to be different but wasn’t sure how I could make it different. With our bags detained in customs, I had the opportunity to truly examine my heart and motivation as I struggled to figure out my purpose on the trip.

Our amazing host for the week, Paula, with a
child getting his first wheelchair

I wrestled with my own poverty, brokenness and insecurity. I realized the perception of my role on this trip was to fit and give away medical equipment. When that was threatened by customs I floundered a little, questioning if I was really doing it right. What actually is my purpose on this trip and am as I fulfilling it? As the week progressed, God spoke to my brokenness and insecurity, reminding me that while the work we are doing for the children is important, the relationships we are building matter most. If we are going to combat poverty around the world, we must be willing to enter into one another’s poverty. Relationships are the catalyst to developing an infrastructure that will address material need and combat material poverty. We must give people the gift of significance, encouraging their worth as individuals by seeing and listening to their needs, wants, and deepest heart desires. I can give the children I work with exercises that will improve their quality of life or a walker that will help them explore their environemnt, but above that, I want to give them hope of life beyond their physical limitations. I want them to know that they are seen and heard and important to the world. As the week progressed, I understood that this is a huge part of my purpose on the trip and every day. I can’t fix our world’s poverty crisis, but I can impact the poverty of an individual and encourage healing in their brokenness as they encourage healing in mine.

Our equipment was eventually released and we were able to fit kids with the wheelchairs, braces, and walkers that we brought. I enjoyed my all-male company and it wasn’t as big a culture shock as I anticipated. I connected with old friends and made new friends that make me smile when I think of them. I am grateful for the blessings I experienced on this trip and am excited to see how God will use the things I learned in the adventures that are to come.

Fun team of kids and students learning from one another
about PT and what we are able to do together

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. ~ Philippians 2:3-4

Get out your guitar

I wish I could write music. I used to write songs with my cousin when we were younger. Our first album consisted of crowd pleasers like Party Time, Top Guy, and Bluebird. For the reunion tour, we produced Bluebird 2. It was a rap. We may have dabbled in beat boxing as well. Since then, I went solo and wrote a few songs that never made it past the door of my bedroom. While I appreciate music and the soundtrack constantly playing in my head, I was not given the gift of expressing melodies on paper, piano, or guitar. I envy those who are able to compose songs, building tension, finding beauty in dissent and resolution, and capturing my unspoken thoughts and feelings in 4-part harmony.

           

Lately, I’ve wished more than ever to be a songwriter because I can’t seem to resolve my thoughts and feelings in a beautiful, melodious package the way a song can. My life is lived in this glorious, infuriating tension that I can’t seem make sense of. Currently, I’m hanging out on that second to last note of a song. That note that drifts awkwardly through the air in search of its resolving partner that will give it meaning and purpose.  I’m the “with” without a “me” in the ABC song, the “you” without an “are” in Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, and the “to” without the “you” in Happy Birthday. (How many of you stopped reading to hum a little? You have to finish the whole line don’t you.) I am living in anticipation of resolution, but that pause before it happens feels as though it is going on forever.

            

If anyone of you know what I am talking about, I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath (then open your eyes so you can keep reading.) Sometimes, that point of tension is the most important part of the song. I took voice lessons in high school and we learned about breath control and phrasing and things like that. One way to captivate an audience is to allow the tension to build on that unresolved note while you take a breath in preparation for the resolving note or phrase. The audience holds their breath, waiting, anticipating that moment of resolution you know is coming. That point of tension is important and necessary for both you and your audience.

            

God is the ultimate songwriter. He has a way of composing our lives to form melodies full of beauty and complexity. At times we are camped out in phrases of tension, suffering or uncertainty. The snapshot of these moments feels dissonant, harsh, and we quickly want to skip ahead to the resolution and joy of the next phrase, wishing away that present tension. But when that happens, we lose the beauty of our melody. God is constantly at work shaping our lives, our stories to reflect who He is and who we are in Him. The songs that stir in my heart are not the simple, happy melodies that make me feel like skipping through a meadow, although those have their place. The songs that make me cry tears of joy and sadness are those that are constantly dissonant and then resolve. They take me on a journey that is at times awkward and uncomfortable, but remind me that it is ok to live with tension. It is ok to live in anticipation of what comes next. My anticipation doesn’t negate the importance of the present, the tension I am living in now. So embrace, with me, the tension of this place, the longing for what is next, and grace in the moment to be content with both. God is faithful and composing a beautiful melody in your life. Rock on!

“But I will sing of your strength,

in the morning I will sing of your love;

for you are my fortress,

my refuge in times of trouble.”

~Psalm 59:16

The Blessing of Birthdays

A couple weeks ago I bid farewell to my 20’s and embraced the joy and unknown of turning 30. It was a grand farewell, celebrated with food, family, friends, and festivities of all kinds. I had a short day at work, complete with amazing co-workers that made my day special with treats and over the top decorations. There were flowers, balloons, and even a Frozen banner strung across the ceiling so anyone who entered the office knew it was my birthday. My family and friends threw an incredible Disney themed costume party complete with Disney photo booth, Disney food, Disney Just Dance, Disney trivia, Disney games, and of course Disney karaoke. It was amazing to have so many people that I love in one place and friends from different seasons and paths of my life mingling and enjoying each other’s company. And then there were birthday dinners. Since my sister-in-law became a regular fixture at birthday dinners we have adopted the practice of birthday reflection questions. The questions are typically: what was a high for the year, what was a low for the year, what is something you have learned, and what do you hope for the year to come? This year, my dad added in a new question: if you could write a letter to your 60-year-old self, what would it say? I an answer, but decided to expand my reflection by writing the letter here.

Dear Michelle,

Happy 60^th birthday! You look good J I don’t know where you are or what you are doing for your birthday this year, but I’ve written this letter to remind you of some things you learned in your earlier life. Themes: learn from the past, live in the present, and long for the future. I hope you enjoy this blast from the past and reflections from your 30-year-old self.

The past doesn’t define you but it certainly does shape you. There are broken dreams and expectations, unexpected joys and successes, and limitless lessons to be learned in all circumstances. When you turned 20, there was a picture in your mind of what that decade would look like: marriage soon after college, kids a few years after that, and at some point a small starter house complete with library and window seat. The longer you went without a boyfriend, the less likely you thought the dream would become a reality. Your timeline, along with your expectations had to be shifted. God was steadfast and tender thru the process, walking with you, encouraging you, and opening your eyes to new opportunities and desires. He taught you to trust him, fully surrender each day to him, and allow him to shower you with joy-filled experiences such as becoming a PT, serving in Niger, and surrounding you with an incredible community of people who dress in goofy costumes to celebrate you. How great is our God! Your current life may not have turned out how you would have written; maybe you have a wayward son, have lost your best friend, or have a body that is failing you. Continue to trust that God’s story in your life is so much richer than what you ever could have imagined! He has purpose in the heartbreak and the joy.

Remember to live in the present. This past year, for your 30-year-old self, has been filled with many reminders that life is short. Each moment that we are given is a gift. It is often difficult to stay present in the moment and cherish the person in front of you, focus on the work at hand, and be grateful for the time you’ve been given. The person in front of you may not be there tomorrow so enjoy your time with them today, put down your phone, turn off the TV (or whatever new technology is available by that time) and truly be present with them. The work in front of you may be difficult or boring, but don’t wish it away to get to something more interesting. God has gifted you to do that work, glorify Him thru it. The moment you are living in may be painful or scary. Don’t wish it away to get to a moment that is easier or happier. Pray through it, offer it to God and allow Him to cover you with His embrace. The most intimate moments I’ve had with God are not when things are going well, but what I am crushed, heart sick, and broken. It may be easier to escape from the pain with books, movies, or TV, but it is so much richer to sit at the feet of our creator and pour your heart out to him. Live in that moment, basking in His glorious presence and accepting the balm of His peace on your weary soul.

Live with eternity in your heart, longing for the perfection that is to come when we enter Heaven and the Holy presence of God. I know I am often overwhelmed by the evil and brokenness in this world and the ugliness of my own sin. As a Christ follower, shouldn’t I have mastered it (my sinful flesh) by now? The theme God has given to me for 30 is grace. Living with the hope of heaven allows me to forgive others, and myself, as Christ has forgiven me. I know that these temporary weaknesses of the flesh will be gone when I am given a new body and am finally, truly home. I know the end of the story, Christ is victorious over evil and sin, so I need not dwell on it. I can live in the freedom and grace He has freely given me, covering over my mistakes and failures, which leads to a more fulfilled life here on earth. I can boldly proclaim His victory so the world will know there is hope beyond the brokenness that we see and experience.  I can be love to a hurting world because Love lives in me, whispering the truth of who I am to Him, beloved daughter, heir to the throne of righteousness. As you enter your twilight years, live each moment with confidence that the best is yet to come. 

May 60 be the best year yet!

With love from the past,

Michelle

Birthdays are a perfect opportunity to reflect on life so far, enjoy the present moment, and look forward to the year ahead. I pray that whether it is your birthday or just a random Thursday, you would take time to reflect on your own journey and celebrate the blessing of today!