Hurry Up and Wait

This morning I didn’t plan on sprinting through the airport as the overhead page called my name for final boarding call. Before the sprinting commenced, it was a morning full of hurry up and wait, hurry to validate my passport, followed by a long wait to drop off my checked bag, then hurry to the end of the security line that spanned from door 6 to door 3 only to wait in another long line before I could enter the terminal. It was once I finally cleared security that my name was called and I was still at least 4 moving walkways away from the gate. I ran faster than I had at 6am since soccer practice in college, arriving sweaty and breathless just before they closed the cabin door. And now here I sit, for a 6 hour layover, and I think after 3 hours in I have finally caught my breath.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life recently, the times of hurry and the times of waiting. The year that I turned 30 was amazing, going almost according to plan. I went on some incredible trips, spent a lot of time with people I care about doing really fun things, like using a chop saw and nail gun to remodel our cabin, and stepped out of my comfort zone and into the unknown waters of online dating. It was a whirlwind of a year and before I knew it, I had turned 31. The magical year had ended quicker than I anticipated, revealing unexpressed expectations I had placed on myself and what I thought the year would bring. Truth be told, I was hoping online dating would lead to real life dating, but alas, it was not to be. 

For a season of life, I heard God telling me to wait when it came to dating. It’s not that I was refusing dates, but I was not pursuing them. It was a paradoxical time of loving my independence and longing for a partner to share the journey with. It was a time of refining, learning to rely on God for my strength, identity, and value. As Andy Stanley would say, I focused on becoming the person I’m looking for is looking for by seeking God first and trusting Him through the process. I had gotten in a rhythm, comfortable with that season of life. So when the season began to change, I didn’t trust it and questioned the message I was receiving. When I returned from Guatemala, it was clear that I knew how God communicated with me and when I step out and obey, cool things happen. So my season of waiting officially transitioned into a season of action and I hurriedly signed up for online dating. I thought the cherry on top of a stellar year would be to meet an incredible guy, or two, with potential to be a happily ever after. When the year transitioned and my dating subscription ended, I was disappointed but learned some very important things. 

Here is what I know to be true: God is good. I am blessed to serve a faithful God who is never late, even if His time table is different from my own. I know that He is able to do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine according to His power that is at work in me. I know that though the outcome of my obedience was not what I had hoped for, there was purpose in the process and He will use it and is using it to strengthen my faith and give me hope for the future. I know that my life is not my own, I have surrendered it to Him. With that surrender my life is in His hands fully and completely, whether in the United States or traveling to another part of the world, whether single, dating or married, whether waiting in line or sprinting through the airport. I am a daughter of the most high king of heaven, and I am blessed.

Fall in Minnesota

Blessings come in large and small packages. For me, the year has brought an abundance of large blessings and unique experiences. I am a little uncertain how to digest and articulate what I've learned and how I feel about what I experienced. So instead, I will share with you a small blessing I experienced the other day. 

Fall is one of my favorite times of year. Actually, I think any time the seasons first begin to to change is my favorite. It's like being reunited with a friend and getting reacquainted with all the things you've missed from the previous year. There is a park near my home with 14 miles of trails that is one of my favorite places to explore. Since I have a day off during the week, I often explore solo, drinking in the beauty of the trees, warmth of the sunshine, and the rhythm of worship music blasting through my headphones. While those I meet in passing on the trail see that I am alone, I never feel as though I am. These hikes are a time for me to pray, to think, to pass time rejoicing in my creator and allow him to speak the truth of who I am into my often thirsty soul. On this particular walk, I was struck by the beauty of fall. The crisp blue sky contrasted by the fiery blaze of red trees was magnified by the still, glassy lake that revealed its perfect reflection. The path was lined with golden trees that towered above my head casting an ethereal glow on each step I took. Each song brought me deeper into worship and lightened the burdens and cares I so often try to carry on my own. I found myself skipping or dancing a few times, and then laughing at myself because if I happened to run into other hikers, they would certainly think I was crazy. It was like that joy, that freedom was so overwhelming I couldn't contain it and all I could do was dance. I walked and walked, danced and walked, and loved every step of the journey.

 I tried to capture my experience by taking pictures, but they always fell a little flat. You can't smell falling leaves, or feel the heat of exertion cooled by a crisp breeze or hear the light melody of music in a picture. These pictures will only give you a glimpse so you'll  just have to go out and experience it all for yourself. 

I think that I am almost ready to articulate what God has been teaching during my summer of international travel. I've tried it on a few times during conversations with people who ask about my trip. I also shared bits and pieces in writing on the blog we kept during our time in Guatemala. Until my thoughts and feelings are fully cooked, I am content to be present in this moment, this season, enjoying the wonder and beauty of His creation, the blessing of change and His presence in my everyday life. 

No Problem, Mon

Hanging out at UWI

After sitting in customs for 2 hours and walking into the bright, sticky sunshine sans the 3-4 bags of medical equipment we brought, I knew this trip would be different from the ones before. I returned to Kingston, Jamaica last week for a third time after taking a couple year hiatus. We were a team of 10 diverse individuals, of whom I was the only female. Since my workplace consists of a department of about 40 women and 1 man, I had a feeling I was in for a little culture shock before we even arrived.

Jamaica is the first of 2 international trips I will be taking this summer. The second trip is with my church to Guatemala City working at an orphanage in Sumpango, about an hour outside of the city. As a part of our training we have been going thru the curriculum When Helping Hurts put out by the Chalmers Center. I was so grateful to have gone through this training before the trip to Jamaica as it gave me a new perspective on poverty and short-term outreach/missions trips.

Done with gross motor testing
and all smiles

Poverty affects more than those who are economically or materially poor. Poverty is about brokenness: broken relationship with God, with ourselves, and with the environment around us. Those who are materially poor and materially wealthy manifest that brokenness differently. As a person living in the top 1% of the world’s wealth, my poverty manifests as trying to give goods or do things for those living in the 99% as way  to give myself worth. I have the perception that if I do good things, I am doing good. The training really helped me to understand that this is not the case. This mindset feeds my pride and self-reliance while undermining the perception those I am helping have of themselves. If I come and in one day give their children what it takes months for them to earn, they leave with a sense of shame and helplessness to better their situation.

The last time I went to Jamaica, I came bearing gifts of soccer balls and t-shirts, handing them out to every child I met and giving myself a pat on the back for my good deed. I didn’t think twice about the message I may have been sending to their parents: I know that you can’t clothe your children, so don’t worry, I will do it. This was not my intention with giving those things away, but not everyone sees the intention behind our actions, only the actions themselves. I wanted this trip to be different but wasn’t sure how I could make it different. With our bags detained in customs, I had the opportunity to truly examine my heart and motivation as I struggled to figure out my purpose on the trip.

Our amazing host for the week, Paula, with a
child getting his first wheelchair

I wrestled with my own poverty, brokenness and insecurity. I realized the perception of my role on this trip was to fit and give away medical equipment. When that was threatened by customs I floundered a little, questioning if I was really doing it right. What actually is my purpose on this trip and am as I fulfilling it? As the week progressed, God spoke to my brokenness and insecurity, reminding me that while the work we are doing for the children is important, the relationships we are building matter most. If we are going to combat poverty around the world, we must be willing to enter into one another’s poverty. Relationships are the catalyst to developing an infrastructure that will address material need and combat material poverty. We must give people the gift of significance, encouraging their worth as individuals by seeing and listening to their needs, wants, and deepest heart desires. I can give the children I work with exercises that will improve their quality of life or a walker that will help them explore their environemnt, but above that, I want to give them hope of life beyond their physical limitations. I want them to know that they are seen and heard and important to the world. As the week progressed, I understood that this is a huge part of my purpose on the trip and every day. I can’t fix our world’s poverty crisis, but I can impact the poverty of an individual and encourage healing in their brokenness as they encourage healing in mine.

Our equipment was eventually released and we were able to fit kids with the wheelchairs, braces, and walkers that we brought. I enjoyed my all-male company and it wasn’t as big a culture shock as I anticipated. I connected with old friends and made new friends that make me smile when I think of them. I am grateful for the blessings I experienced on this trip and am excited to see how God will use the things I learned in the adventures that are to come.

Fun team of kids and students learning from one another
about PT and what we are able to do together

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. ~ Philippians 2:3-4

Get out your guitar

I wish I could write music. I used to write songs with my cousin when we were younger. Our first album consisted of crowd pleasers like Party Time, Top Guy, and Bluebird. For the reunion tour, we produced Bluebird 2. It was a rap. We may have dabbled in beat boxing as well. Since then, I went solo and wrote a few songs that never made it past the door of my bedroom. While I appreciate music and the soundtrack constantly playing in my head, I was not given the gift of expressing melodies on paper, piano, or guitar. I envy those who are able to compose songs, building tension, finding beauty in dissent and resolution, and capturing my unspoken thoughts and feelings in 4-part harmony.

           

Lately, I’ve wished more than ever to be a songwriter because I can’t seem to resolve my thoughts and feelings in a beautiful, melodious package the way a song can. My life is lived in this glorious, infuriating tension that I can’t seem make sense of. Currently, I’m hanging out on that second to last note of a song. That note that drifts awkwardly through the air in search of its resolving partner that will give it meaning and purpose.  I’m the “with” without a “me” in the ABC song, the “you” without an “are” in Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, and the “to” without the “you” in Happy Birthday. (How many of you stopped reading to hum a little? You have to finish the whole line don’t you.) I am living in anticipation of resolution, but that pause before it happens feels as though it is going on forever.

            

If anyone of you know what I am talking about, I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath (then open your eyes so you can keep reading.) Sometimes, that point of tension is the most important part of the song. I took voice lessons in high school and we learned about breath control and phrasing and things like that. One way to captivate an audience is to allow the tension to build on that unresolved note while you take a breath in preparation for the resolving note or phrase. The audience holds their breath, waiting, anticipating that moment of resolution you know is coming. That point of tension is important and necessary for both you and your audience.

            

God is the ultimate songwriter. He has a way of composing our lives to form melodies full of beauty and complexity. At times we are camped out in phrases of tension, suffering or uncertainty. The snapshot of these moments feels dissonant, harsh, and we quickly want to skip ahead to the resolution and joy of the next phrase, wishing away that present tension. But when that happens, we lose the beauty of our melody. God is constantly at work shaping our lives, our stories to reflect who He is and who we are in Him. The songs that stir in my heart are not the simple, happy melodies that make me feel like skipping through a meadow, although those have their place. The songs that make me cry tears of joy and sadness are those that are constantly dissonant and then resolve. They take me on a journey that is at times awkward and uncomfortable, but remind me that it is ok to live with tension. It is ok to live in anticipation of what comes next. My anticipation doesn’t negate the importance of the present, the tension I am living in now. So embrace, with me, the tension of this place, the longing for what is next, and grace in the moment to be content with both. God is faithful and composing a beautiful melody in your life. Rock on!

“But I will sing of your strength,

in the morning I will sing of your love;

for you are my fortress,

my refuge in times of trouble.”

~Psalm 59:16

The Blessing of Birthdays

A couple weeks ago I bid farewell to my 20’s and embraced the joy and unknown of turning 30. It was a grand farewell, celebrated with food, family, friends, and festivities of all kinds. I had a short day at work, complete with amazing co-workers that made my day special with treats and over the top decorations. There were flowers, balloons, and even a Frozen banner strung across the ceiling so anyone who entered the office knew it was my birthday. My family and friends threw an incredible Disney themed costume party complete with Disney photo booth, Disney food, Disney Just Dance, Disney trivia, Disney games, and of course Disney karaoke. It was amazing to have so many people that I love in one place and friends from different seasons and paths of my life mingling and enjoying each other’s company. And then there were birthday dinners. Since my sister-in-law became a regular fixture at birthday dinners we have adopted the practice of birthday reflection questions. The questions are typically: what was a high for the year, what was a low for the year, what is something you have learned, and what do you hope for the year to come? This year, my dad added in a new question: if you could write a letter to your 60-year-old self, what would it say? I an answer, but decided to expand my reflection by writing the letter here.

Dear Michelle,

Happy 60^th birthday! You look good J I don’t know where you are or what you are doing for your birthday this year, but I’ve written this letter to remind you of some things you learned in your earlier life. Themes: learn from the past, live in the present, and long for the future. I hope you enjoy this blast from the past and reflections from your 30-year-old self.

The past doesn’t define you but it certainly does shape you. There are broken dreams and expectations, unexpected joys and successes, and limitless lessons to be learned in all circumstances. When you turned 20, there was a picture in your mind of what that decade would look like: marriage soon after college, kids a few years after that, and at some point a small starter house complete with library and window seat. The longer you went without a boyfriend, the less likely you thought the dream would become a reality. Your timeline, along with your expectations had to be shifted. God was steadfast and tender thru the process, walking with you, encouraging you, and opening your eyes to new opportunities and desires. He taught you to trust him, fully surrender each day to him, and allow him to shower you with joy-filled experiences such as becoming a PT, serving in Niger, and surrounding you with an incredible community of people who dress in goofy costumes to celebrate you. How great is our God! Your current life may not have turned out how you would have written; maybe you have a wayward son, have lost your best friend, or have a body that is failing you. Continue to trust that God’s story in your life is so much richer than what you ever could have imagined! He has purpose in the heartbreak and the joy.

Remember to live in the present. This past year, for your 30-year-old self, has been filled with many reminders that life is short. Each moment that we are given is a gift. It is often difficult to stay present in the moment and cherish the person in front of you, focus on the work at hand, and be grateful for the time you’ve been given. The person in front of you may not be there tomorrow so enjoy your time with them today, put down your phone, turn off the TV (or whatever new technology is available by that time) and truly be present with them. The work in front of you may be difficult or boring, but don’t wish it away to get to something more interesting. God has gifted you to do that work, glorify Him thru it. The moment you are living in may be painful or scary. Don’t wish it away to get to a moment that is easier or happier. Pray through it, offer it to God and allow Him to cover you with His embrace. The most intimate moments I’ve had with God are not when things are going well, but what I am crushed, heart sick, and broken. It may be easier to escape from the pain with books, movies, or TV, but it is so much richer to sit at the feet of our creator and pour your heart out to him. Live in that moment, basking in His glorious presence and accepting the balm of His peace on your weary soul.

Live with eternity in your heart, longing for the perfection that is to come when we enter Heaven and the Holy presence of God. I know I am often overwhelmed by the evil and brokenness in this world and the ugliness of my own sin. As a Christ follower, shouldn’t I have mastered it (my sinful flesh) by now? The theme God has given to me for 30 is grace. Living with the hope of heaven allows me to forgive others, and myself, as Christ has forgiven me. I know that these temporary weaknesses of the flesh will be gone when I am given a new body and am finally, truly home. I know the end of the story, Christ is victorious over evil and sin, so I need not dwell on it. I can live in the freedom and grace He has freely given me, covering over my mistakes and failures, which leads to a more fulfilled life here on earth. I can boldly proclaim His victory so the world will know there is hope beyond the brokenness that we see and experience.  I can be love to a hurting world because Love lives in me, whispering the truth of who I am to Him, beloved daughter, heir to the throne of righteousness. As you enter your twilight years, live each moment with confidence that the best is yet to come. 

May 60 be the best year yet!

With love from the past,

Michelle

Birthdays are a perfect opportunity to reflect on life so far, enjoy the present moment, and look forward to the year ahead. I pray that whether it is your birthday or just a random Thursday, you would take time to reflect on your own journey and celebrate the blessing of today!

Joy in the Mourning

This summer and fall have been a wonderful season of love, loss, and life, sharing so much laughter, tears, and memories with family and friends. There have been a few marriages, a couple births, and a funeral that all leave my heart feeling full with the precious brevity yet significance of our lives. The funeral I attended was for my grandpa, a private, humble man who loved and cared for his family deeply. He had a distinct laugh, jolly singing voice, and love for practical jokes. He had a faith in Christ that he didn’t talk about, but lived out each day and instilled in his children and grandchildren. I had the opportunity to share a memory of him at the funeral and would love to share with you what I will remember most about him.

          

Romeo and Juliet, Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy, Harold and Marilyn Engberg. While the first 2 love stories capture audiences because of their flair for drama, Harold and Marilyn embody a happily ever after rivaled by few in literature. Whether attending our school concerts, sports games, or napping in twin beds that were pushed together in the nursing home, they were constantly holding hands and exchanging looks of love when they thought no one was watching. My friends often commented on how cute they were as they strolled into ice arenas or auditoriums, hands locked together, laughing and flirting with one another. My grandpa loved to make my grandma laugh, pulling practical jokes and teasing her until her musical laugh bounced off each wall. I believe the secret to their lasting love was in part due to grandpa’s understanding of Ephesians 5:25 and following, describing the role of the husband in God’s design for marriage. Paul writes that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, laying themselves down to make her holy. They are to love their wives as they love their own body, feeding it and caring for it, just as Christ does for the church. My grandpa embodied this design in the way that he cared for my grandma. He tied her shoes when it became difficult for her to do so, he carried her cushion so she would always have a nice place to sit, and he stayed within arm’s reach just in case she wanted to hold his hand. He knew that real men carry their wives purse when it becomes too heavy due to all the snacks that are packed in it. Though their bodies broke down as they got older, I believe their love grew stronger with each day that passed. They knew that this time here on earth is a temporary stop on their way to an eternal home and they made the most of every moment together. They built their marriage on mutual service and love for one another, leaving a legacy of faith that will continue for generations to come.

          

 

I will miss my grandpa, but I know that there is joy in mourning. I may cry because his time here is complete, but I rejoice that a new life for him has begun. He has finished his race a good and faithful servant, receiving his crown of glory from his heavenly father. He is free of the pain and limitations of a broken mind and body and has been made whole by the precious blood of his Lord Jesus Christ. I mourn with hope because I know that this life is only a foreshadow of what is to come. Our life is a mist that is here one day and gone the next. It is a gift from God and I pray that I will use mine to glorify God and love others above myself, just as my grandpa did.

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!


Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!


Heir of salvation, purchase of God,


Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:
This is my story, this is my song,


Praising my Savior all the day long;


This is my story, this is my song,


Praising my Savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, all is at rest,


I in my Savior am happy and blest,


Watching and waiting, looking above,


Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

Worth the Wait

Summer is quickly approaching in Minnesota bringing with it lazy days at the lake, opportunities to read in the sunshine, and the nuptials of my brother and one of my best friends. Soon we will celebrate their love and the beginning of life together with dinner, dancing, and amazing fellowship. I have never seen my brother happier or Elise more ready to begin their new life and the adventure of marriage. The day is almost 2 weeks away but it feels like only yesterday they were out on their first date while my sister and I talked of moving in together once they fell in love and got married. We (my sister and I) are now settled in our new place and getting used to our roles as both sisters and roommates, and the someday we spoke of for Elise and Dan will soon be a reality. We have the bridesmaid dresses to prove it. The long awaited day is almost here.

This picture's a little blurry, but is from the day of their engagement. 

           

This post has been on my heart for a while but the details of how to actually express what God has been teaching me has been difficult to formulate. It almost feels as if I am at war with myself, but it is not a war that is frightening or disheartening. It is a war between contentment in the now and anticipation of what is to come. Naturally, as I observe the love my brother and Elise share and find excitement over the life they are beginning, I feel a longing or anticipation for experiencing that type of joy myself. There are days when that longing feels hopeful as if that day may be right around the corner, but even if it’s not I am exactly where God wants me. Then there are other days when the longing feels unbearable and I question God how much longer I have to wait, but still feel as if I am exactly where God wants me. Despite the warring emotions surrounding my circumstances and my constantly changing perception of those circumstances, I feel content knowing that I am exactly where God wants me to be. But how can I be content if I desire something different than what I have? That is the question I wrestle with as I sort through the lesson or blessing God wants me to understand during this waiting period.

           

If I am being honest, my emotional state tends to move in a cyclical fashion, as is common in us members of the fairer sex, that usually results in a periodic check-in with God about my desire for a husband. Sometimes it’s precipitated by the announcement of another engagement or pregnancy from a friend or acquaintance. Sometimes it’s preceded by questions from a well-meaning person such as any new men in my life, am I putting myself out there or have I tried on-line dating? These check-ins with God typically play out in the same fashion: I write a few pages in my prayer journal about how much I want a husband, am I doing what God wants in the area of dating, and thank you for this lesson in patience but I think I have learned quite enough. Then, some time over the next couple days God makes it clear that he wants me to wait and be still in this area of my life. He usually starts with scripture and I have learned there are many different verses about waiting on God. In case I thought the scripture was just a coincidence (anyone else ever use that rational?) He has used sermons, podcasts, music, dveotionals, radio announcers, and/or books to ensure I understood His desire is for me to wait on his timing.

            

Over the past couple weeks, God has changed my prayer life a little bit when it comes to dating and marriage. Instead of praying to receive a husband or asking what I need to do in order to find a husband, he has asked me to pray for my husband, a real flesh and blood person, not just a someday someone who may only be a figment of my imagination.  I have learned that if I am preoccupied by something or someone, it usually means I should be praying for that person or situation. God purposefully lays people on my heart so that I will pray for them, whether I fully understand the reason or not. When I become preoccupied by my singleness or the desire for a husband and family, it may be that whoever God has prepared to be my husband is struggling as well. Getting in the habit of praying for my spouse before I meet him I think will be important for the life we will share together. And if I’ve heard wrong and I end up not getting married, I know God will apply my prayer to whatever man he deems needs it at the time. No prayer is ever wasted.

            

However there is something even more important that he has been teaching me during this season of waiting. He has been reminding me that my purpose in life is to glorify him and tell others about the life and hope found in Christ. The ultimate goal in my life is not to get married. The waiting that I am doing is not actually about waiting for a husband. The verses he used to speak to my heart about waiting when I first started asking for guidance, he is now using to teach me something deeper. If I am waiting for my husband to give me satisfaction and contentment, I am setting him up for failure. The longing and anticipation that I feel for the intimacy and love found in marriage, is nothing in comparison to the longing and anticipation of Christ’s perfect love and intimacy that waits for us in eternity. Here on earth, we experience a small glimpse of that love because a glimpse is all we can handle. He gives us a taste of what is to come through our time of prayer and fellowship on earth, but because of the brokenness in our world and the sin that saturates our existence, our whole lives are spent waiting for untainted fellowship in the presence of God.  We hold eternity in our hearts and our soul longs for the holiness and redemption that Christ paid for at the cross. We can find peace in our struggle between contentment with the temporary home of earth and the longing for our true home in heaven because we know that what is to come is worth the wait.  Along the way he gives us love and encouragement through human relationships, whether they be friendships or marriage, to whet our palate for the feast that waits at the end of our lives.

            

God has made it clear to me that being still and waiting on him does not mean sitting on the couch and waiting for life to happen to me. Life doesn’t begin when I fall in love and get married. I have been commissioned to go and make disciples of all nations. I am called to be the hands and feet of Christ, showing love, grace, and the power of redemption to a broken and hurting world. I have purpose because I am a daughter of the Most High King. He loves me and has a plan for my life that is better than anything I could even imagine. If He wants me to wait for marriage and a family, I can trust there is a reason and continue to live the life he has called me to live. I will actively seek after him trusting that the blessings he has for me in this life, and the next, will be worth the wait. 

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. ~Psalm 27:14