Have
you ever asked God for something that you weren’t really sure you wanted, but
knew it was something you needed? Did God give you an answer that completely
blew away your expectations and made you wonder why you ever doubted? This has
been my experience over the past month. It all began one snowy Sunday night
when our women’s small group was cancelled due to weather and my roommate and I
decided to stay in and watch the church service on-line. Our apartment was
already clean and we had set aside time for small group, so we spent the hour
and a half before church started reading the Bible and journaling, spending
some quiet time with God. It was during this time that I decided to ask God for
something I’ve wanted to ask for but have been avoiding because I was afraid.
You see, I have an issue with pride and I know that God desires humility, but I
also know that humility is not something that just happens, it’s a process, a
work of transformation. It was this process that I was afraid of. Could I
really handle the pain and turmoil of the process? So that’s where I started. I
told God I was afraid to ask for humility but I know it’s something that I
needed, could he show me how not to be afraid? And so the journey began.
The
sermon series for the month of December was about drawing inspiration from
quotes of the Christmas story. The key verses were familiar, as I’ve read and
reread them every Christmas. But this year, I saw the story in a whole new
light. The sermon on that snowy night was based on Luke 1:30 “Do not be
afraid…” When the titled flashed across the screen, I literally laughed out
loud, flipped open my journal, and read part of my latest entry to my roommate
cause she looked confused at my laughter. I knew then, it was time to surrender
and allow God to transform my prideful heart into one of humility, no matter
how it came to be.
As
much as I love snow, the next day I discovered what a headache it can be during
my commute to and from work. My drive time doubled, the streets of St Paul were
covered with ice making the trek up the hill to my parking ramp impossible. I
was one of those people stuck at an intersection, my wheels spinning, crying
because I could see the ramp and see my work but I could only reverse and slide
further down the hill, away from where I wanted to go. I eventually made it to
work half an hour late despite leaving early. This was the trend the entire
week, long drives to and from work with slippery roads and crazy drivers who
forgot what its like to drive in the snow. That week I was met with patient
after patient who just weren’t getting better despite all my best efforts.
Intellectually, I know that it’s normal for kid’s progress to ebb and flow and
that I can’t always fix everything, but that week, the ebb seemed to outweigh
the flow and I could only see my inadequacy as a therapist. It was also this
week that I went to go visit a friend whose child was in the NICU. I was
excited to meet their newest bundle of joy and see my friends, but felt
helpless to know what to say or do. The doctors gave them a bleak prognosis for
what his life would look like if/when he left the hospital and I was at a loss
as to how be there for them during this difficult time.
I
started to regret my decision to surrender and allow God to transform my
prideful heart. I was exhausted and could only focus on how small and out of
control I was, I lost sight of the bigger picture. The next sermon was
entitled, “I am the Lord’s servant…” It was about Mary’s response to God’s
decision to make her the mother of his Son. Mary is revered by many people of
faith throughout the world, but I’d never personally given her much thought
except as a character in the Christmas story. This sermon helped me to see her
as a true model of humility. She couldn’t see the whole picture, but she
trusted God and His promises anyway. The entire week I was focusing on my
shortcomings and inadequacy as a human, the things that were out of my control.
This only lead to insecurity and doubt in the person God created me to be. I
forgot that the most important thing about humility is that it isn’t about me
at all, it’s about God.
Humility
is surrendering control to God because of who He is, trusting that He can see
the big picture, and that He will hold true to His promises. Humility isn’t
about examining your shortcomings, it’s about turning your eyes to the creator
of the universe and discovering the freedom of surrender. I learned that by
keeping my eyes on Christ, circumstances don’t necessarily change, but I see
those circumstances I once found overwhelming as opportunities to see God at
work. I will always have patients that don’t get better or have friends going
through difficult times. There will always be circumstances that are out of my
control, problems I want to fix but can’t. Humility grants me the opportunity
to allow God to work in and through me during difficult times and to experience
the blessing of seeing Him as He is.
So
now that I’ve mastered humility and become the most humble person you’ll ever
meet (ok so maybe I’m still a work in progress), I’m excited to see what
blessings God has in store for the New Year. I hope you had a blessed holiday
and were able to spend time reflecting on what God taught you in 2012, the
good, the bad, and everything in between.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:6
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