Growing up my family had a large brown conversion van that
shuffled us wherever we needed to go. It was huge and we drove it everywhere
from soccer practice to school, the cabin up north to Richmond, Virginia. There
was plenty of room to spread out and play with dolls or kick back and listen to
Adventure in Odyssey tapes. It was an oasis of memories and I loved it, until
about junior high. I think it was around 7th grade that the sliding
door stopped sliding making the back seat passengers have to crawl in through
the front door to get to their seats. I also began to see the exterior as
outdated, pocked with rust spots, and the overall size dwarfed the more
fashionable sports cars my friends’ parent’s drove to pick from up school. I
was embarrassed to be seen in it.
When my parents announced it was time to trade in our trusty van for a
different vehicle, I was elated, that is until it actually came time to leave
the van in the lot to drive the new one home. While my parents were inside
signing papers, I sat in the van sobbing. The van and I had been through so
much together and even though it was falling apart, I had a hard time letting
it go.
This is what our van looked like new, isn't it pretty!
Everyone
deals with changes in life a little bit differently. Some people seek out
constant change and motion, getting bored quickly or forever looking for the
adventure that waits around the corner. Others like things exactly as they are
and want them to stay that way forever. I think I fall somewhere in the middle.
I have a hard time with change emotionally but get excited when I think about
what adventures are yet to come. The last few weeks have been a time of
transition for me. There have been exciting changes in my life and the lives of
some of my favorite people. My brother
has been called to step out of his role as small group leader for the group
I’ve been blessed to share life with over the last two years and into a new
opportunity God has laid on his heart. A dear friend has been called overseas
for an extended period of time to fulfill the vision God has laid on her heart
to make disciples of all nations. We have a new pastor at church that is full
of life and the Spirit and is going to shake things up. I am excited about what
God has in store for our church but I have a feeling it will be very different
than what people are used to, leading to inevitable growing pains. And the
biggest change happened earlier this month when my dear brother asked for my
roommate’s hand in marriage. The future change from roommate to sister is
beyond anything I could have ever imagined, but it does mean that I won’t have
daily access to her wisdom, sharing of hearts, and wardrobe that I do now. Our current situation will inevitably
change.
The "Engberg" children on the day of the engagement! It was such a perfect day!
Intellectually,
I know that change is good and that God uses times of transition to mold and
shape us into the people he wants us to be but I find that I usually have to
mourn the loss of what was, before I can see the beauty of what is to come. I
struggle to articulate my true feelings because while the mourning part usually
involves tears similar to the ones spilt over our old van, those tears don’t
tell the whole story. Change also evokes excitement and joy in the promise of a
new day, a future untainted by sins or regrets of the past, a thrill and terror
of the great unknown. I live in a place of dichotomy where I am happy, sad,
excited, and petrified, experiencing each emotion in succession yet all at once
when I think about what each change actually means. In fact, I’ve struggled for
weeks to write this post, because I can’t wrap my thoughts together in a nice
package to present to you how I truly feel about change and the changes
occurring in my own life. Maybe that is the point. Maybe change is supposed to
evoke a variety of feelings within us so that we must cling to the one who is
unchanging. We live in a dichotomy after all, striving for contentment and
peace in the present moment, yet yearning for the promise of life eternal. Life
and circumstances are in constant ebb and flow, threatening to turn our eyes
from our Savior to the uncertainty of our surroundings. In times of change and
transition we must remember that He is our Rock and our Redeemer, the One we
can cling to, knowing he is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever.
He longs for us to seek him, sit at his feet, and rest in whatever change may
come.
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from
the Father of heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows.”
~James 1:17
