I am what some may describe as a perfectionist. I may not be
the type of perfectionist that is super organized or has my room clean all the
time (or ever) but when it comes to setting and achieving goals or expecting
the best out of myself at all times, I fit the perfectionist profile. I’m a
list person. I make a list of things that need to be done then check them off
after they’ve been completed. (Sometimes I add things to my list that I’ve
already completed, just so I can check them off.) I like structure and order,
rules and clearly defined expectations so I know what to do and when it’s been
completed correctly. Don’t get me wrong, I can go with the flow and be flexible
(let’s be honest, most people don’t survive Africa without at least a little
flexibility) but I am most comfortable when I feel I am in control. I don’t
mean to say that I am delusional enough to think that I can control the people
around me, the circumstances of life, or things like the weather, but sometimes
I am delusional enough to think that if I feel in control of a situation, then
I can make it turn out just the way I want it. God has been working for many
years to break me of my delusion with slow but steady progress. It’s one of the
non-checked items on my to-do list.
The
second attribute that many may ascribe to me is I am optimistic. Some may even
say that I am an ultra-optimist. Not only is the glass half-full
but it also probably contains the best water you’ve ever tasted in your life or
better yet a milk chocolate mocha! I was one of those people who got weights
thrown at my head during 6am strength and conditioning for soccer because I was
so chipper and sure that it was going to be a great workout session, a
sentiment not shared by my fellow teammates. I’ve been wired to see the bright side of things, which at
times has served me very well.
Putting
these two attributes together you could describe me as an overly optimistic
perfectionist. My ultra optimism at times plays into my delusion that I can
complete things perfectly. When I was younger, particularly high school and
college, I thought that I could live a perfect example of Christ for the people
around me. I set high expectations for my self and was driven by my optimistic
outlook that I may actually be able to make all the right decisions so that
Christ would be glorified. My intentions were pure and the result was everyone
thought I was a really nice person. Now this may come as a shock for some of
you, but I am actually not perfect. Of course I made poor decisions and thought
things that were wrong, did things that were wrong, and felt things that were
wrong. I misunderstood people’s intentions and was hurt and angry and bitter
and confused and sad and at times felt very much out of control. But instead of
expressing those feelings and confess my wrong actions, I tried to hide them
and only let people see the good in me. Everyone knew I was a Christian, so if
they saw the bad in me, how would that reflect on what they thought about
Christ? I was afraid my imperfections would reflect poorly on my savior.
Whenever I made bad decisions or had negative feelings towards someone or
something, I did my best not allow them to show, fooling a lot of my friends
and myself, that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
Throughout
college and the years that followed, God began to show me the error of my ways
and through various circumstances helped me willingly surrender my control to
where it rightfully belongs, in His capable Hands. This summer, our small group
from church has been going through Louie Giglio’s Passion conference video
series. For those of you who haven’t seen or heard of it, I highly encourage
you to check it out. This Monday, we watched part 2 of his Hope series, when
life hurts the most. This video talked about using our suffering as a megaphone
for Christ. Something that struck me during his talk was when he said it was OK
to wish that things could have been done differently or wish that we didn’t
have to go through the suffering we experience. Looking back at events in my
life that caused suffering, I always tried to spin them to the positive or
pretend like everything was alright, sometimes lying to my friends, lying to
myself, and lying to God. I know that God used my suffering for something good,
to help me develop perseverance or to know how to relate to someone going
through similar circumstances, but that doesn’t mean that the event that caused
my suffering was good. Part of
what it means to be human is to experience a wide variety of thoughts and
emotions, even Christ went through periods of anger and sadness, joy and
elation, grief and mourning through different events of His human life. It is
ok for me to acknowledge my struggles and weaknesses to those around me. We
live in a fallen world where not everything turns out exactly as we plan. It’s
ok to acknowledge our pain and suffering and the emotions that go along with
it. At the same time, we must cling to the hope that is found in Christ. While
his human side struggled with the emotions and uncertainties we encounter ever
day, being God he was able to conquer pain and suffering through his death on
the cross. In our suffering, we must be real and allow our weakness, not
necessarily our strength to glorify what Jesus did on that day.
Monday
night after we watched the video and everyone went home, my brother received a
phone call from a friend in another Bible study he’s involved in at church. That Derek, one
of his friends in the group, had passed away at 23 years old. He was out running
and collapsed, no one really knows the cause of death. If I’m going to be real
and honest, I didn’t know him well, but I am still sad and confused. I don’t
know why he lived only 23 years and I’ve already gotten to live 27. I don’t
know why God chose now to take him away. From conversations I had with him and
the stories my brother and his other friends have told me about him I know that
he is home and having a way better time than we are, which is the hope that
I’ve been clinging to this week. He will be missed by everyone who knew him and
everyone who was encouraged by his contagious smile that welcomed you in the
doors at church every Sunday night.
I
think I’ll always have perfectionistic tendencies and an optimistic outlook on
life, it’s part of who God created me to be. But that doesn’t mean I will try
to hide my imperfections or negative experiences as readily anymore. God is
strongest when I am weakest, making my imperfections the perfect opportunity to
trust and glorify Him for all that He did on the cross and all He continues to
do in our lives.
“But he (Jesus) said to me (Paul), ‘My grace is sufficient
for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ …That is why, for Christ’s
sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in
difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
~2 Corinthians 12:9a, 10
Be blessed by your imperfections. When you are weak, then He is strong! Have a wonderful week!
