Friday, February 22, 2013

Trading my superwoman cape for a crown


“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

I’ve had this verse underlined in my Bible for years and have even written it down to display in my room on mirrors or bulletin boards because I liked the sound of it. It painted the picture of a loving savior, opening his arms, and inviting me to enjoy a vacation with him.  No schedule, no work, just rest for a weary soul. But this verse was never a reality to me until this year and my experience over the last few weeks. I had no idea how God was going to use it to radically alter how I looked at life, relationships, his character, my character, silence, and being still. It has been one of the most frustrating, horrible, wonderful, and exhilarating experiences of my life.  The blessings God revealed during this time will likely span a few posts because a number of you have already sat through the disjointed monologue lasting 15-30 minutes and I won’t subject you to that again. But I am excited to share this story and the ones that follow. I pray that it will lead you to your own place of rest and open your eyes to a most loving and gracious creator who wants to spend time just the two of you.
           
In my lifetime, I don’t think I could count the number of soccer balls that have flown at great speeds toward my head. It’s the nature of this beautiful game, sometimes you are prepared for them, and sometimes you are not. Friday, January 4, 2013, I was not prepared for the ball that hit me in the face and knocked me off my feet to the turf below. I remember leaving the game, thinking I was a little tippy and probably shouldn’t play anymore (although I later learned I got back up and continued playing for awhile after the hit). The rest of the weekend brought a couple different birthday celebrations and only in retrospect were there hints that something may not be quite right. By the time Monday rolled around, I thought I had a touch of food poisoning from the day before and called in sick to work. What I learned as the day progressed, was that I was having a hard time focusing, the light’s were unbearable making my eyes want to stay closed and retreat into darkness, and I had a headache. At some point, when the words I was reading started jumping around the page, going in and out of focus, I realized that I probably had a concussion. No big deal I thought. I work with concussions every day and knew exactly what to do. I put myself on physical and cognitive rest, turned off all the lights in my apartment, and slept 10-12 hours each night with 1-2 naps during the day for the next week.
           
Well, if the concussion weren’t enough, later that week I caught one of those nasty bugs floating around that felt like I was swallowing a hornets’ nest, my face was going to explode off my head, the facet in my nose was locked in the on position, and a 500 pound grizzly bear had taken up residence on my chest.  This lasted about a week until the doctor gave me some antibiotics and I began to re-enter the land of the living. Two weeks after the initial hit to the head, I returned to work for a half day, finally over the bug and feeling part human again. It was a Friday so I had the weekend to recover. Monday, I woke up excited to get back to normal, ignoring the little headache that had become a new normal. I thought I was ready to go back to a full day of work. I thought wrong. I lasted the entire day, thinking my little headache would go away as the day progressed. It didn’t. Not even when I took my daily allotment of Aleve before noon. It kept getting worse, making me wish I could pull off wearing sunglasses inside. When the day was finally over, I called my mom, burst into tears, and drove directly to my parents house where my mom tucked me into bed like when I was a little girl. I took the rest of the week off and set up an appointment with a concussion specialist. Together we developed a plan for return to work at a gradual pace, starting with 5 hours per day and working my way back to full time as tolerated.  As of this week, I am almost there!! I was essentially away from work for 3 weeks total and dropped all other extracurricular activities as I tried to let my brain injury heal.
        
 January 3, 2013, in my prayer journal I asked God for rest. I asked that he would show me how to sit and be still in his presence. I had so many activities going on, good things that I enjoyed doing, that almost every night of the week was scheduled. Most unscheduled time went to watching TV so I could veg and try to relax in preparation for the next day that was sure to be crazy. I was trying to be superwoman. I kept comparing myself to the women around me, thinking that I should be able to keep up the same pace or even a busier one since I don’t have a husband or kids to take care of. There were so many things to juggle I didn’t know how to relax, worrying that everything would come crashing down around me if I stopped for even a moment. It was pride and insecurity and an unspoken belief that the world would stop turning if I weren’t there to save it. So God gave me a time out. He showed me how to rest. I went kicking and screaming and crying at first (concussions make you very emotional) but with patience and compassion he gently called me into his presence. Maybe he gave me the concussion or maybe he just allowed it to happen, making the most of an opportunity to get my attention. Either way, I’m grateful for the experience. Everything I could do, reading, writing, watching TV, working out, working, spending extended amounts of time in well-lit areas, was stripped away. I had to learn how be. He taught me how to be still, how to be in his presence, how to be me without doing. I was carrying all the burdens superwoman should be able to handle and getting choked by a cape that didn’t fit. God taught me how to surrender those burdens to Christ, lay them at his feet, and be fit for a yoke that was light and designed just for me. He loved me enough to carve out time so that he could remind me of who I am to him. I am his daughter, his crowned princess, his beloved. Psalm 103:4 says He redeemed my life from the pit and crowned me with steadfast love and mercy. 
           
I’m still learning, still healing, and slowly but surely beginning to venture back into the land of doing things again. But I am learning to do things with a renewed spirit, and a sense of peace that only comes from being in his presence first, drawing my worth from him instead of all those activities. I am not superwoman but I do know the creator of the universe who claims me as his own, giving me a crown of life. I’ll take that crown over a superwoman cape any day. Beside, the matching tights just aren’t really my style.
           
            

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